


Return to Sender

by XXCattyCastielXX



Series: Return to Sender [1]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Death, Keith is an artist just fyi, Lots of Flash Backs, M/M, S L O W B U R N, Trans Keith (Voltron), Trans Male Keith (Voltron), Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, gay ass flash backs, hold your horses damnit, it's still a sheith fic, keith has some major mental problems, keith is lowkey has a drinking problem, keith mourns through most of this, klance doesn't show up till chapter 11, there are some spicy moments
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-23
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-02-05 19:44:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 22,246
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12801024
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/XXCattyCastielXX/pseuds/XXCattyCastielXX
Summary: For Keith, Kogane life couldn't be better. He has that perfect white picket fence life and he wouldn't ask for anything more. With his boyfriend at his side, he feels like he can take on the world. Till his world is thrown upside down with a simple letter.What are you supposed to do when the love of your life is thrown off into a war in a part of the universe where no contact is reachable. Well, all but a makeshift lettering system.It's all perfect till Keith gets a reply from the wrong person.





	1. Chapter 1

It was quiet, no humming or beeping, laughter didn't fill the air nor did the sound of voices talking about whatever and whoever. No, it was such a still silent that even the soft sounds of gentle breaths didn't disturb the air's own slumber. A ringing cut through the noiseless room, it earning a groan of annoyance from a pair of soft lips. Violet eyes soon opened, the part way opened, they filled with a droopy even lazy gaze. A blind pat around the bedside table soon occurred, till the hand couldn't find what it was looking for causing the man to sit up on the bed. A slight whine passing those broken lips as he pushed himself up and rolled his shoulders back in an attempt to wake himself up a tad more. "It's too early.." He grumbled some, running his fingers through his hair and grabbing the phone shortly after.

"Morning Honeybunny! Had to head to work early this morning, your tea is on the counter."

It was a text from Shiro before Keith could respond another message popped up:

"Not sure when I'll be home, Love you!"

the message made a slight smile curl over Keith's normally blank clad lips. He fell back into the warm sheets, smile lifting till it was a full-on grin. Shiro's smell still lingered and even the warmth was still on those sheets. The gentle, orange and yellow glow from the morning sun cast over in long strips over Keith as he lay across the bed, nose buried into his boyfriend's pillow. Inhaling the sweet scent, till his phone rang again. But this time he didn't bother to check it, sure it wasn't Shiro. Shiro never texted after he said he loved him.. Keith wasn't sure if he loved that little quirk about his lover or not.  
Moments passed that felt like hours in the warmth of the casted sunlight, Keith slowly brought himself up, sitting in the middle of the sheets as he held the pillow against his chest. His purple eyes falling out the large bedroom window. He loved how in the mornings Shiro would push the blinds open just the tiniest bit, enough to let the glow of the dawn light in. Keith hummed in delight and fell back as he rocked the pillow against his chest. A blush crawled its way along his pale cheeks at the thought of Shiro's lazy morning gaze, his rough and husky voice and how the soft light would light up his face. "How'd I get so lucky.." He murmured to himself, voice soft while he stared out the window, with thoughts of his boyfriend in his mind.

Steam rose off the hot water, Keith stretching before he dropped a small tea bag into the cup, letting its contents fuse with the water. He lazily stirring the string around to move the tea bag till he was sure the water was tea enough for his taste. Picking the tea bag up and watching the water drip, drip, drip back into the cup, he then squeezing the bag to get all the flavor out. Tossing it out, picking up the mug as he brought the cup up and breathed in the sweet citrus smell of the tea. The kitchen still had the lingering smell of coffee, figuring that shiro must have made a pot but there wasn't any left so he must be jazzed. So Keith could just tell that Shiro would crash on the couch later.

The raven-haired male, sat down on the couch, kicking his feet up and sighed gently. Picking up the clicker and turning the tv on. Sipping on his warm tea, oh it felt incredible in his throat. A hum left his lips at the sweet honey orange flavor and the general warmth. Time slipped by like this till he was out of tea. But he didn't want to get back up to get more, so Keith just sat there lazily watching the what-ever show was on the tv. He almost fell asleep, till he jolted up at the front door swung open. In came shiro, He ran his fingers through his hair and tugged on his tie to loosen it from around his neck. Keith felt the back of his neck grow warm with a blush. Oh, he loved this man so much. Shiro pulled off his jacket and hung it up, kicking the door shut behind him as he did so. "You gonna keep staring or come over here and kiss me?" He teased some to Keith oh only pouted in return. "Shut up.." He grumbled while he stood up and walked over to press a small kiss to Shiro's lips. "How was work?" he asked in a slightly lazy tone of voice. "Not terrible that was sure... Sorry I had to go in so early." He smiled and leaned down to press another kiss to Keith's lips, he could taste the honey. "What'd you do today..?"

"Hey, I'm going to head out for a little bit," Keith called from the living room, he grabbed his jacket to pull it on over his slighter tighter than it should be a shirt. Picking up the keys from the table that sat beside the door with this beautiful bowl on it that Shiro swore would look nice... Keith still hates it. "Will you pick me up some fresh garlic on your way home?" Shiro called from the kitchen as he shifted around a few things in the cabinet. "I'm thinking of chicken- is this couscous still any good?" He said more to himself as he studied the label on the box. Keith only smiled slightly at the sight, "I will do, Love you!" He called as he left. The door shutting with a small click. Shiro glanced up and let a small sigh leave his lips. "Love you too.," he mumbled.

This idea had planted itself into Keith's mind months ago, he and shiro had been, getting close. They'd dated for awhile and had even batted around getting a cat. This cute little red furred kitten they had seen at the mall. He could remember how excited Shiro was to feel the little fluffy paws, watching him play with the kitten was by far the highlight of this week. A smile lifted to Keith's lips as he thought back to the day. But, he wasn't out to buy a cat. Oh no... something a bit more important than a cat. A ring.

Pulling up to the strip mall he got it and clicked the red car locked. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, the sound of people laughing and children talking, playing, giggling, it made him all warm inside. He wasn't even sure if he wanted a family, but he knew for a fact that shiro did. "He'd make a great dad.." he thought aloud while watching a father scoop up his daughter in his arms.

Shaking the thoughts away, leaving his raven-haired tossed, he turned his gaze to the store before him. Taking a deep breath and walking inside with a mission. As soon as he stepped inside, and no sooner than the door closed did he get distracted. Gazing over all the different necklaces, rings and earrings that sparkle like a thousand suns. Gemstones of all different colors sizes and prices littered the glass boxes.

"Has she had her eye on something~?" A woman asked, leaning against the top of the glass counter and following Keith's gaze down to the rings below them. Keith jolted some, having gotten lost in the many colors that showed in the diamonds. "Oh uh... no- I'm looking for an engagement ring.. but nothing fancy" he spoke, his tone awkward and on edge. 'Girlfriend?' His thoughts ran wild with the idea. 'Oh fuck- she thinks I'm straight..' he panicked. "What about that one" Keith spoke, his voice laced with a slight bit of determination as he pointed to the simple golden band. "Oh honey, you don't want something like that. Go fancy. Something she can show off to her family. Since you know she'll show it to everyone" the women quickly shot his idea down. "I don't need anything fancy though" He broke a nervous smile. The women hummed her voice, tapping her painted fingernails against her lower lip, letting her blue gaze flick around till she peeked and trotted off. Keith only sighed as she came back with a velvet tray with rows of sparkling rings. Lifting up one of her fingers that was a simple golden weave at the top, almost looking like vines that wrapped around a star-ish shaped diamond, two little diamonds on either side of it. Keith's eyes sparkled, "oh it's beautiful-" that made the women laugh. "I figured so." Keith found himself lost in the way it the gem sparkled, the same way he got lost in Shiro's dark eyes. "I'll take it." He quickly said, way to go. "Any general size?" Keith paused as he told her the ring size, the women looking to him with pure disbelief, "your girlfriend must have some pretty good sized hands." She chuckled slightly as she trotted off to get him the papers to sign. The raven-haired only sighed in bliss as he looked at the ring between his fingers. Oh, it was gorgeous...


	2. Chapter 2

"Will you go run and get the mail?" A lazy voice spoke, followed by an even lazier push to Shiro's shoulder. Keith had tossed himself onto the couch, his legs up over Shiro's lap as he basically laid across the whole sofa. Shiro rolled his eyes, "Honey I'm reading." He simply spoke, glancing to Keith over his glasses and away from the book on his hands. "I know, but I didn't get the mail yesterday or today." Shiro just blinked a few times at his boyfriends lack to do one thing. He rubbed his forehead with an exhale, "alright.." he grumbled taking his glasses off and sitting them atop of his book. Lifting Keith's legs off of him which only made the other giggle like a child and hum happily since he got his way. "You're such a child-" Shiro chuckled, rolling his eyes playfully to the side while slipping his jacket on and picking up the keys from the bowl beside the door. "You love me though~" he teased, "I do." The other flashed a smile as he gave a curt wave before trotting out to get the mail.

"Uh.." Shiro seemed uneasy as he closed the door. A letter in hand, his eyes scanning over the blood black text. "I've been recruited.." Keith suit up with the words, "Recruited for what..?" His voice trailed off but the sound of concern was clear. If he had to fight someone to stop this, he would. Shiro walked over, his steps seemed heavy. Sitting down beside Keith he simply held the letter over to him and put his head into his hand letting out a groan. "War brought out in the upper east side of the sector.." he explained. "They're recruiting" as Shiro spoke, Keith's eyes scanned over every line. Emotions slowly leaving till his eyebrows furrowed. Throwing the letter down he tossed his hands up. "No! Hell no!" His voice held such demand, anger, oh he was pissed. Shiro dropped his hand, staring at his boyfriend. "You aren't going! No- I'm coming with you." Keith felt tears well in his eyes as the wave of pure anger raged over him. Pushing up from the couch Shiro took Keith into his arms. "Shh.." he softly shushed, his other half slowly went a bit limp while gripping onto the back of Shiro's shirt. "No... I can't let you go..what if you don't come back to me?" A hand pressed to Keith's cheek, he leaned into it putting his own against Shiro's. "Please.. you don't have to go." His voice broke as he let the anger melt away into the overwhelming, crushing anxiety. "I'll come back to you, it's not like I have a choice in going or not." If he didn't have to go, he wouldn't. He'd stay with Keith, but that didn't seem like a choice right now. "I promise I'll come back to you." He smiled warmly and kissed Keith which he didn't bother return.

Keith was rather distant for the next few days, saying little, but he never left Shiro's side. Holding him close for hours, making sure Shiro knew how much he loved him, even that night Keith got a bit wild. Not that shiro complained, he just grew worried.. what if he really didn't come home? The thoughts ate him up inside as it did Keith as well. The two pressed chest to chest, holding onto each other as if they never would feel one another again. A part of each of them had a feeling they wouldn't, because of it the early morning breakfast was silent. Showers ran long, nights were hot filled with breathy, needy moans. But come morning not a word again.. they'd repeat this process for the next week almost. Lust filled nights, hot long showers to hide the whimpers and tears. It seemed fitting that it rained. Keith made a comment about how the way the droplets ran along the window looked like tears on a face. Their stomachs dropped with the comment. And soon enough the day came.

"Please don't leave.." Keith's voice was weak, his gaze cast aside to the carpet under the coffee table. He slightly gripping onto the end of Shiro's shirt. This heart sinking chuckle left his lips as he leaned down, cupping Keith's face and pressing a kiss to his lips. "I'm sorry." He murmured against the soft lips of his boyfriend. "I love you." Keith tried desperately, burning anger bubbled in his stomach but the weeping extinguished that flame far too quickly for him to have hope. "I love you too, Keith.." Shiro's tone was gentle, his heart felt heavy as he spoke. The raven-haired man tried with all his might, holding onto his shoulders. "No- I can't ... you can't!" He whimpered out with a blaze of fire in his eyes. "I do.." He sighed, lips lifting into a weak smile. With one final kiss on Keith's forehead, he turned, grabbing his bag and leaving. Keith's arm was suspended in the air for moments as the other left, slowly they fell to his sides as this anxiety cast over him. "Please come back to me."

The first week seemed like the hardest like it would never end. Without Shiro, Keith didn't know what to do, he was lost. Lack of sleep left him with bags under his eyes, not used to having to sleep alone. He felt so cold when going to bed. In the mornings it was sheer darkness since Shiro wasn't there to open the blinds the tiniest bit. Keith never thought he would miss the smell of coffee so much until he couldn't breathe in the aroma every morning. He drank cold tea for days, anytime he would go to turn the pot on, he would pause and start crying. Never did he think he would cry this much.

"I hate this.." He grumbled, lacing his fingers into his long hair and lowering his gaze. His elbows propped up on the table as steam rose up from the cup of bittersweet coffee and tickled his nose. "I know, But you've gotta have faith." A semi-cheerful voice chimed in. It was one of his old school friends, Hunk. He had always seemed to be there for Keith even when he was being a little emo screw up. Hunk could always smile even in the toughest of times, sure he got a bit impatient but he never seemed to snap. Which made him a perfect person to just rant to. "I do- but this feeling," He slumped into his chair, picking up his drink with both hands and basically angrily sipping on the liquid. He hated coffee, but it reminded him of Shiro. "It hurts, It's always there too." He sighed and rolled his head back. "Why don't you start writing to him?" Hunk offered, cocking up on of his eyebrows. "Letters?" Hunk nodded, "Yeah, I dunno.. It could ease your mind a little to get letters back from him right?" Keith sat his drink down, staring down into the dull bean water. "I guess you have a point." He huffed, hating to admit it but Hunk was right. Some form of communication between him and Shiro would be better than nothing... right?

"Alright let's try and give this a shot... " Keith sat at his desk, staring down at the blank sheet of paper that was sat before him. He picked up the red pen and set the tip against the top of the page, writing out Shiro's name. He continued this so many times till he groaned with aggravation, crumbling up the paper and throwing it across the room. Resting his head down on the desk and letting out this long, heavy sigh. "Why is this so hard!" Not only as soon as those words left his lips did his shoot up in his chair and start writing again, he wrote:

Shiro,

Oh god, you have no idea how much I've missed you. It's been terrible without you here. Honest to god terrible! I've been sleeping in since the morning sun hasn't peeked through the blinds every day, and I never thought I'd grow to kind of enjoy the flavor of coffee? Kind of!  
You know, I haven't been able to sleep much... I've gotten so used to sleeping with someone else in the bed that the bed feels so lonely, empty without you. I miss you... I can't say that enough.

Ugh! This was such a stupid idea, Hunk thought if I started writing to you it would ease my mind some but this just seems like a waste of time??? Well, nevermind. How's everything over there? Hopefully, you're doing okay, are the conditions bad? Have you missed me...

I love you,  
Keith

Keith almost threw out the letter, but after a few days of letting it sit on his desk and mock him did he finally get up and mail it out.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the letter, Keith added in the sketch he’d done of Shiro. It was a beautiful drawing, done in simple graphite. The shading, no pure lines, completely realistic. Keith had a real talent, and he always thanked Shiro even though he had nothing to do with it. But, Keith always said that Shiro was his muse. That being around him sparked his creativity, he always wanted to draw him. Those dark eyes.. That chest. Oh, he could draw and sketch, even paint Shiro for days if he could. But now, his muse was gone. He didn’t want to draw.. Had little want, no drive. All drive for everything had left. Hunk had tried to tell him that this ‘funk’ that he’d fallen into wasn’t okay, he needed to something with his time. Pick up a hobby, or something!

Dear Shrio,

It’s been a few days since I’ve written to you.. I haven’t heard anything back yet. I don’t even know if you’ve gotten my first letter yet. Who knows… But, I miss you. It gets harder every day even though everyone says it should be getting easier. It doesn’t. Hunk came over again, He made dinner since I’ve been eating nothing but Ramen for the past month. You aren’t home to cook for me! I can’t work the kitchen, Last time I tried that the stove nearly broke. I’ll win one day… it’s an ongoing war.

I’ve been really lonely lately, without you around the house feels really empty. I was thinking, maybe I should get a cat. What do you think? We were talking about it a while back if you remember that day.. I do anyways. I don’t want to go and get a cat without you but, I’m lonely damnit. How long are you supposed to be away? I know I know, you’d tell me to just be patient cause that yields focus but what the hell am I supposed to be focusing on? I have zero creativity without my muse! Honestly, I haven’t drawn a thing in days let alone picked up a paintbrush. I tried to sketch you from memory a week ago. I think it turned out rather well, just I don’t think I gave your forelock justice.

Please come home to me,

Keith

With the letter, Keith added in the sketch he’d done of Shiro. It was a beautiful drawing, done in simple graphite. The shading, no pure lines, completely realistic. Keith had a real talent, and he always thanked Shiro even though he had nothing to do with it. But, Keith always said that Shiro was his muse. That being around him sparked his creativity, he always wanted to draw him. Those dark eyes.. That chest. Oh, he could draw and sketch, even paint Shiro for days if he could. But now, his muse was gone. He didn’t want to draw.. Had little want, no drive. All drive for everything had left. Hunk had tried to tell him that this ‘funk’ that he’d fallen into wasn’t okay, he needed to something with his time. Pick up a hobby, or something!

“Stop drinking coffee.” Hunk grumbled as he picked up the empty bag of coffee beans. “Shiro is going to kill you when he gets back.” Keith tensed with the words, pulling his violet eyes up to shoot daggers at hunk. “Shut up.” He hissed like an antisocial teenager as he sipped on the coffee. “You don’t even like coffee!” Hunk protested, rubbing his face some. “I sort of do..” Keith mumbled, pursing his lips together while his shoulders rose. “Yeah when you only taste a little on Shiro’s lips..” Hunk grumbled, more under his breath than anything else. “Hey!” Keith tossed his slipper at his friend, who simply caught the red slipper and tossed it back. “Am I wrong?” He asked. Keith fell silent. “No…” He huffed like a child being called out for something they were doing that they shouldn’t be.

“What am I going to do without you…” Keith grumbled some as he sat at his deck, dragging the pencil over the sketch paper. Line after line, scribble after scribble. He admired his work, before flicking those starry like eyes up at the small reference photo. “I need my muse.” He muttered, lowering his head back down as he went back to his sketch. Smooth and messy lines, the hair was his favorite, or maybe the jawline. He hated shading even though he was rather good at it, he always said good shading made a good drawing. If the shading was off then the whole picture was off and it would bug him till he fixed it.

Keith hated being without his muse for so long, but slowly his creativity and want to draw came back. It was now in spurts, little by little he would doodle more and more. Sure it would be on napkins in the kitchen or on the back of the mail, even in the top corners of the letters he wrote to Shiro. Baby steps, he kept telling himself, baby steps.

Hunk was saying the same things, frankly, it was getting frustrating but that was only because he was right. Keith didn’t want to admit to it, that was just him being stubborn as a bull. Shiro loved that about him, how bullheaded his sweet kitten was on so many things. When Keith set his mind to something, you better believe that he would get it done. No matter how long it would take him. It was a trait that Keith himself never even noticed much but one that Shiro just adored. Plus the other got this look on his face whenever he got into one of his moods. It was too precious. His features would relax, but his eyes would narrow. Oh, those violet eyes could be compared to blue fire when he got like that. But to Shiro, Keith only looked like an angry kitten without claws. Only fluffy paws.

“Hey Siri,” Keith suddenly called, not even bothering to pull his gaze up from his drawing. He’d gotten in the zone and didn’t want to lose it, “play Hotel California by Eagles.” He finished his words. “Playing Hotel California” The more robotic voice beeped out, soon enough the mellow beat of the song started to play around Keith.

Keith stumbled back as a large car zoomed by him as the sound of tires on the sun-baked road filled the air till it was gone. Leaving Keith in pure silence. “What is this place..?” He asked, the wind picking up some, the breeze was nice, it distracted from how hot the sun felt while it baked down on him. Throwing a hand up he blocked the blinding sunlight from his eyes, frantically looking around, trying to figure out where he was. A loud groan left his lips as he began to walk along. This seemed to go on forever, wiping his brow as beads of sweat formed at his temples. “What the hell…?” His eyes narrowed at the sight. Something was sparkling in the distance, he couldn’t tell what it was but it allured him in closer and closer.

The closer he got, the darker the sky did. Clouds cast out as the sun began to vanish under the horizon. Keith trudging along in his sweat covered shirt, “How far is this damn thing..” He groaned to himself, his eyes began to strain. Head feeling heavy as he grew closer and closer to what was beginning to look more and more like a house?

Keith began to yawn. He pushed the front door to this place open only to be greeted by a lobby of sorts. Before he knew it he was in front of a desk, this man before him pushing up his glasses. “Room for one.” He held out a small golden key. “Uh..” Keith didn’t even get the words out. His head felt dizzy and the world spun around him.

He could have sworn he passed out since the next thing happening was he was waking up. Pushing himself up Keith rubbed his forehead, letting out a groan of pain from the throbbing in the back of his skull. “What kind of strange hell is this…?” He asked, oh his head ached but the pain was pushed as far back as to where it came from as the door to the room opened. There standing in the doorway was Shiro. ‘Heaven… this is a heaven.’ he quickly thought while jumping to his feet and running towards shiro but when he brought his lover into an embrace he vanished. “What?! No!” He shouted and began to run down the dark hallway. A small light showed, a small flame showing the face of Shiro’s again. He not paying any attention to Keith beside a quick glance before he continued to walk.

Keith felt lost, confused, he could have sworn he heard someone mumble how perfect this place was, for some reason that made him feel uneasy. His nerves heightened to a high alert. He was wondering for hours, long since having lost Shiro. Somehow he ended up outside, this large courtyard with flowers everywhere of all kinds. Most were a breathtaking shade of green or amber. He’d never seen flowers like them before. Reaching over he gently took one in his hand, stem between his fingers but when he pulled the flower out it turned into a wine glass. A man walking by and grinned pouring a red wine into the glass.

He didn’t dare to drink the wine, one because he didn’t like wine especially red wine and two, his glass had just been a flower. This whole thing was so confusing. Everything halted around the man. As if someone had record scratched his life. There was Shiro again, music playing soft and smooth around him and another. This other was nearly the same height as Keith, if not shorter. His heart sunk into his chest as the two dance, chests pressed together, eyes lulled and locked with one another’s. Their bodies seemed to move at a perfect pace with each others.. A way Keith only ever thought theirs would move like together. But no. Here was this pigeon of a man dancing with his, /HIS/ man. “Oh hell no!” Keith furrowed his eyebrows as he stormed over, nearly ripping this other guy from /his/ Shiro. This other guy looked at Keith confused as he was pulled away, he was enjoying dancing with shiro. “He’s my boyfriend.” The man nearly growled at this guy. When he froze hearing Shiro scoff. “Yeah and some boyfriend you are. I’ve been gone what two months now and I haven’t heard a thing from you.” The words were harsh as they left Shiro’s rough lips. It felt like a knife had been driven into his heart, stumbling back some with pure hurt in his eyes. “Wha-what, No! I’ve written to you.” He choked on his words, feeling his throat grow dry and tight. What was happening? “And have you sent either of them?” Again Shiro’s tone of voice cut at Keith’s heart. Gulping down the painful lump that formed in his throat as Shiro took the other guy’s hand and the two walked off.

Keith jolted up, pencil falling from his face as he’d fallen asleep at his desk, in his sketchbook. Tears falling from his violet eyes. “No..” His tone was weak and pained. It was all a dream, a horrible, horrible dream. But because of it, Keith rushed out in his pajamas to rush deliver his next letter. One he wrote as soon as he woke up. The paper was covered in tear stains as he couldn’t stop them from flowing. His heart was pounding in his chest, trying to beat out as it poured itself out into these words on the page.

Shiro,

They’re happening again, the nightmares. I.. I don’t know how much longer I can do this Shiro. I need you, I /need/ you back. Please, shoot your foot or something just please, come back home to me. I’ve drank all the coffee thinking it’ll remind me of your lips on mine. My new sketchbook is filled with the same picture of you. I swear I’ve drawn you more these past few days than I have the past two years we’ve dated.

Tell me there isn’t someone else. That you didn’t meet a handsome soldier while you’re there. Don’t make this isn’t like Orange is the New Black. I love you damnit, you’re mine and only mine. Yes, that’s possessive but I can’t lose you to someone else. Please…

Keith


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This wasn’t home anymore. No. It wasn’t, Shiro wasn’t there to make it home anymore. No more coffee smells in the mornings, no more waking up to the blinds opened just a crack. He couldn’t lay on the couch all day and wait till Shiro walked through the door, pulling his tie off and smiling warmly. No more hot and breathy nights, no more bear hugs or bad jokes. Oh, he never thought he’d miss those terrible jokes so much. He even started to learn to love that stupid bowl that their keys would always sit in. No more Shiro…

Reluctantly one afternoon, Keith actually went and got the mail. He would pick it up every day, running some to the mailbox like a child expecting a shipment off the television. But no, He was waiting every day for something from Shiro. Anything. He needed some kind of sign of life from his lover. So far nothing. As he walked along, his heart ached thinking back to the other night. Could Shiro really be cheating on him? Who was that man… That wasn’t someone that Shiro knew was it? No no, you could only dream of faces you’ve seen before. His heart pounded, had he seen this guy before! Of course not, right? Shiro wasn’t like that, and… and it was just a dream. Keith had to repeat that in his head over and over again to convince himself it was true. Why couldn’t he just have a dream where Shiro was home and they could snuggle and hold each other, and among other things.

Stepping up to the mailbox he slipped the little bronze key in to unlock it. He humming softly to himself while he did so, flipping through the few bills and ads that had piled up. When he froze at the sight, “My letters?” He thought aloud, stamped on the back in big red letters it read ‘Returned to Sender’. His heart seemed to pick up its pace, His violet eyes growing wide at the sight as tears began to well. “He- He hasn’t even gotten any of them-” He spoke as there was the first and the second and third letter in his hands. Oh, he felt his knees get weak, about to fall down to them. His head spun, Shiro must have thought that he wasn’t even trying to get into contact with him. “Wait..” It dawned on him, pulling his gaze slowly up from the letters in realization. “Why did these get sent back?” And little by little, he put it all together.

“What the fuck do you mean I can’t talk to him!” Keith nearly yelled into the phone, he was gripping the sides of it so tightly his knuckles were turning white. He could have broken the glass simply from his grip. “Sir, Takashi Shirogane cannot be reached at this time. Please stop calling.” The voice on the other end sounded exasperated. This was what, the twelfth time he’d called. The phone call was clicked off by the other end leaving Keith to groan in the silence. Where was shiro..? Why couldn’t he reach him? Why wasn’t he getting the answers he wanted.

“Hunk stop me,” Keith spoke as he rolled his sleeves up, and tugging on his riding gloves. “Stop you from what? Picking up some fresh garlic?” Hunk asked as he cooked for Keith. Yes the aroma filled the house of the sweet and savory meal Hunk was preparing but Keith had other plans. “I’m going to break in.” He put his hand on his shoulder as he rolled it back to loosen up. “I’m going to take my bike, and break in.” He voice was filled with determination, eyes flaming. “Nope, Nope, I know how much you want to know where is he and to ride that stupid motorcycle of yours but nope.” The other was over to Keith’s rather quickly. His lion over it covered hands resting on Keith’s chest to stop him from going any further. “Hunk It’s been months! Every time I call they hang up.” He shouted to his best friend, anger building and bubbling in his stomach like a pot of water boiling. As soon as Hunk went to try and calm him down the doorbell rang.

“Who the hell.” Keith stormed his way past Hunk, shoving him out of the way a bit rougher than he meant to get to the door. An ‘Oof” Left Hunk as he stumbled back slightly, but it didn’t stop him from ending up behind Keith to see who was at the door.

Opening the dark wooden door, Keith was about to throw down with whoever he saw. “Are you Keith Kogane?” There asked a man. He was tall, broad-shouldered with rather short hair. In his arms was a box. “Who’s asking..?” The raven-haired man spat, his tongue like acid, eyes narrow as he examined this man. “This is for you.” He held the box out with Keith took hesitantly in his arms.

It was a very heavy box, but he could tell there surely was something in it. The man turned away and started to walk off. Keith nearly slammed the door as he walked off to sit the box on the coffee table. Kneeling down he took the little pocket knife Shiro had given him out to open said box. Cutting the tape, with ease he pulled the flaps open. But confusion struck him. There was a large yellow folder, one normally used to send paperwork. He hadn’t put the pieces together as he opened the folder. Leaning back on his heels as he pulled out the few pages. Hunk seemed to put it together.

“No-” Keith’s hand flew over his mouth as his eyes scanned the pages. Hunk kneeled down beside Keith, putting his hand on the shoulder of the other. “I’m really sorry buddy..” He managed to say. Keith kept reading, choking on his breath at the words. “They-They can’t find his body.” His lower lip quivered. Tears filling his eyes, dripping down his cheeks to the white pages in his hands. “No…no hehe can’t be gone!” He cried out, slamming his fist on the coffee table. Hunk was quick to pull away, but the slam caused the box to fall. Out tumbled out a few medals and a uniform. Keith couldn’t even comprehend what was happening. “I need a walk-” He spoke, standing to his feet and grabbing a coat. He knew he had grabbed Shiro’s coat. Only because, he knew it would smell like shiro... A smell he’d never get to breathe in ever again.

Keith covered his face as he walked, the cold evening air seemed to freeze his tears as they dripped and fell. He’d gotten pretty far from the house, Sniffling back his little mewls and whimpers. But he couldn’t hide it. The raven-haired man fell to his knees, out in the pure open. Covering his face into the jacket, breathing in the smell. Trying to imagine Shiro was there to hold him.. To mumble in that calm voice of his that everything would be okay. It obviously wasn’t okay. “You can’t be gone..” He mumbled in a broken voice. Drying his now puffy eyes on the soft inside of the coat. “You can’t be…”

The sun soon started to set, leaving Keith in the dark. And he could care less. It hurt, but hurt less in this darkness. Slowly he pushed himself up to his feet, his knees buckling under him but he wouldn’t let himself fall again. Not again. His legs didn’t seem to understand the concept of walking right then and there but he forced himself home.

This wasn’t home anymore. No. It wasn’t, Shiro wasn’t there to make it home anymore. No more coffee smells in the mornings, no more waking up to the blinds opened just a crack. He couldn’t lay on the couch all day and wait till Shiro walked through the door, pulling his tie off and smiling warmly. No more hot and breathy nights, no more bear hugs or bad jokes. Oh, he never thought he’d miss those terrible jokes so much. He even started to learn to love that stupid bowl that their keys would always sit in. No more Shiro…


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over the years the only person to really see him cry was Shiro, and that’s because he loved Shiro. Around him Keith didn’t feel like he had to had his walls up so high, he could lower them and allow himself to really be more of well… himself. And maybe that was a good or bad thing. Just cause the one thing happened that he told himself would if he let his walls drop. He got hurt. Hurt badly. As cheesy as it sounded, Keith knew it sounded cheesy but he didn’t care ‘cause about how much he was hurting. But, He didn’t think he could love again. Not after something like this! The love of his life was dead, he was going to marry that man and how he was dead somewhere in the sector!

Keith laid in bed for weeks, doing nothing. He’d lay there, staring at the ceiling. He would count all the little dots that littered it’s rough surface. Now and then he’d get out of bed, but, not to do anything he should like to eat or shower. When Keith would get out of bed he most likely ended up on the sofa, watching some stupid chick flick. He and Shiro used to sit and watch sappy movies every Saturday. Shiro thought they were cute and generally enjoyed them while Keith only watched to spend time with Shiro and he loved the others reactions to these scenes.

Keiths lower lip started to quiver at the movie scene, “No! She’s not dead you idiot!” He cried and threw the remote across the room, tears falling down his cheeks. “That’s a ghost-” He covered his face with a pillow that he’d put Shiro’s jacket on... In the attempt to make it seem like he cried into Shiro’s chest. Even though he’d never be able to feel those washboard abs again, or be pulled to his broad chest in such comforting hugs. These thoughts made him choke.

It was this ugly crying, tissues everywhere, half-eaten boxes of candy. That was his only source of food lately since he wouldn’t let Hunk come inside and see him like this. No, Keith was too prideful to let anyone help him through this. His friends couldn’t seem him all distraught and broken.

Over the years the only person to really see him cry was Shiro, and that’s because he loved Shiro. Around him Keith didn’t feel like he had to had his walls up so high, he could lower them and allow himself to really be more of well… himself. And maybe that was a good or bad thing. Just cause the one thing happened that he told himself would if he let his walls drop. He got hurt. Hurt badly. As cheesy as it sounded, Keith knew it sounded cheesy but he didn’t care ‘cause about how much he was hurting. But, He didn’t think he could love again. Not after something like this! The love of his life was dead, he was going to marry that man and how he was dead somewhere in the sector!

Keith dreaded the day of the funeral. Shiro’s family, his friends from work, Hunk was there even. There was this one guy that Keith sort of recognized but he didn’t pay much attention to it.

“No..” Keith choked back, hand going over his mouth as he stepped inside, the somber feeling wrapping it’s cold, dark claws around Keith’s throat. He felt like he couldn’t breathe over the sweet nectar like the smell of the Bluebells; they were Shiro’s favorite. They actually made Keith feel like a child again, remembering all the days he’d sit out in the fields of bluebells, laying back in their soft petals and letting the smell overtake him as he watched the bright Texas skies.

His violet eyes cast down, his hand dropping to his side. He was supposed to talk, to tell everyone how amazing Shiro had been, How he was one of the few people to have been such an angel here. It hurt, He didn’t want to share how deeply he cared about shiro with these people. No matter if they were family! Some of these people he didn’t even know, not to mention most of Shiro’s family wasn’t a fan of him.

“Hey, you okay?” Hunk put his hand on Keith’s shoulder, making him jolt out of his thoughts. “No, I’m not okay hunk!” Keith snapped, abruptly turning on his heels to face his dear friend. Tears welling in his eyes for what seemed like the thousandth time this week, even today. “The love of my life is gone.” He started to fall apart at the seams. “He’s not even in there- I can’t even see him for a final goodbye.” His knees felt weak, like jelly wanting to hit the ground and never get back up. “I was going to marry that man! I-I had a ring, I had a whole speech planned out and now he’s fucking gone.” Keith was gripping onto Hunks nice black jacket so tightly his fingers felt numb and knuckles turned white. But Hunk said nothing, having Keith let it all out.

Keith groaned, letting go of Hunk to card his fingers through his hair. “I can’t do this… I can’t get up there - Hunk doesn’t make me get up there.” Never before had Hunk heard Keith sound so weak, so desperate as he basically begged the other to not force him up on that stand, before that Picture of his beloved Shiro. To Feel all the eyes of everyone Shiro ever knew and loved, judging him as he fell apart. “You don’t have to go up there, Come on let me take you home.”

“Thank you..” His tone was weak, turning his head to press his cheek against the soft grey pillowcase. Hunk had brought him back home, it was a long and silent cry ride as Keith tried to sniffle back his tears. He didn’t do a very good job at it. “Promise me you’ll shower?” Hunk asked, pressing his hand to Keith’s forehead, under those raven colored bangs. “And eat something?” He added. Reluctantly Keith nodded. “Yes..” The word sounded so bland, even a bit forced but as long as he did those few things it would be better.

Hunk left a few hours later, after folding up the blankets scattered in the living room, Making Keith something to eat. He even cleaned up all the trash and candy from the house. Keith didn’t know how to thank him. Hunk didn’t even ask for one.

Keith stood in the doorway to the living room, Hunk holding a small plastic bag as he tossed empty boxes and wrappers into it. He held a towel around his waist, hair dripping in front of his eyes. The shower was supposed to help but based on the still puffy redness around those violet eyes explained that the other cried some again. And that was okay, He had just lost someone near and dear. “There’s food in the kitchen.” Hunk told him, walking over to toss the bag in the trash before he went to Keith. Placing both hands on the smaller man’s shoulders, pulling Keith forward some, he kissed the other’s forehead.It’ll get better, I promise.” He spoke with that caring tone. Like a child Keith nodded, not uttering a word out. If he did, his voice would sputter and stumble.

That night Keith wrote till his hand throbbed and he couldn’t hold a pencil without it hurting. He poured his heart out trying to find some comfort in this. This had been how he talked to Shiro before, even though he never got any of them. He didn’t care. This was the only way he could coupe right then and there. With the aching in his heart, this felt right... Sort of. At least as right as it could feel at a time like this.

Shiro,

So you’re gone... And I know that you won’t ever read this but this seems to be the one thing keeping me sane right now. Even though, Hunk would beg to differ about my sanity. I miss you. I still can’t get my head around the fact that you’re actually gone.. I’ll never hold you again, never see that smile or hear your voice. It’s stupid to be writing to you I know. Then again, You’d probably think this was cute and therapeutic or some shit... Whatever you dork.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. I keep having these dreams of you and this guy, who the hell is that guy anyway? I’ve never seen him before - Anyway, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t speak at your funeral, I know you would have wanted something beautiful, sweet... But I just couldn’t. Not with all your family there, and your work friends. It was too much to share how much you meant to me. It was harder since you weren’t actually there. I couldn’t say goodbye, kiss your forehead and send you off. There's’ no closure here damn it! I can’t just tell everyone how much I loved you, without you there!

I need your comforting eyes, your gentle voice, and big hugs. I need you to tell me everything will be okay, that I’ll make it through this. I need to wake me up from this horrible, horrible nightmare so I can see you beside me all peaceful in the right ways.

You know, Days before you were supposed to go to war I went out and bought an engagement ring, yeah. It was hella awkward there too! The women thought I was straight because I was distracted by the fancy diamond rings... Long story short you got a diamond ring.

How am I supposed to love again?

I generally want to know, am I supposed to even want to try again? I had you, you were all I ever wanted in life and you were taken away from me. So now what! I’m not just going to jump back into the saddle and take love by the reins again. How do I know that I won’t be bucked off again!

Keith

“Do I have to love again…” Keith mumbled to himself as he set the letter in his desk drawer. Standing from the desk, he pushed the chair in. Taking a few stumbling steps before he went face first into the sheets of the bed. Pillows bounced and fell to the floor with the sudden weight falling into it.

“Hey!” Keith squeaked out while he was tossed back into the bed. Shiro falling in beside him making the bed and Keith bounce slightly. Laughter left his lips as Shiro pulled Keith in close peppering him with kisses and affection. “I love you.” His voice was sweet, Keith couldn’t help the smile that formed on his lips. Putting his hands on Shiro’s cheeks and kissing him. Deeply and passionate. “I love you too you big dork,” Keith mumbled to Shiro’s lips. “Oh I know~” He teased making Keith laugh again and roll his eyes. Playfully pushing Shiro away. He only then was tugged up on to Shiro’s lap. Keith’s face went pink, placing his hands on Shiro’s chest as Shiro’s went to his waist. “Do you?” Keith snickered which only caused this grin to pull over the dark-eyed man’s lips. “Why are you willing to give me a reminder?” His voice dripping with such a teasing tone that it sent shivers up Keith’s back. “Maybe I am”

Laughter and moans left the room for the next few hours, the two hopelessly in love with one another that nothing mattered anymore. They didn’t have to be ‘sexy’ It was all playful and light. Truth be told Keith liked this way better. To see Shiro smile, to be held closely and lovingly as their bodies moved as one. The eye contact of lulled eyes with both lust and love. And all the little checkup questions, “does that hurt?”, “Are you okay?”, “How does that feel?” You’d think it was their first time together. But no, it was just the care.

Tears filled in Keith’s eyes again, his lips lifted into this weak smile as he thought back to that day. The memory playing in his head like some kind of dream. “I love you..” He spoke so softly as he wiggled himself under the sheets of the bed. His hand sitting on Shiro’s side of the bed. “Good night..” He mumbled in that weak tone that matched the way he smiled. Falling asleep took moments. He actually slept for the first time in what felt like forever.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So I’m back to smoking... I know we tried so hard to get me to quit but it fills this hole in my chest that’s been there lately. I can’t feel anything, But on the plus side to that; I’m not crying anymore. I don’t know if that’s better or worse given the fact I honestly can’t feel anything. Both physically and emotionally. I even pushed the end of my cigarette to my forearm, nothing. Should I be worried? Should I tell Hunk?

“Hey, are you feeling okay?” A gentle voice resided against Keith’s ear, the warm breath and husky morning voice making him shiver. Lazily he nuzzled into the neck of the man beside him. “I’m fine.” His voice was raspy, even a bit dry from the soreness of his throat. “Keith you’re burning up.” Shiro’s tone was that concerned and worried voice it always seemed to be. “But you’re hotter~” Yeah Keith was completely sick if he was making jokes like that.

Shiro sat up on the bed, sheets falling to expose that intoxicating chest that could make men, women and everything in between drool. He stretched his arms up, rolling his shoulders back till a pop was heard. He hummed in bliss.

These mornings were slow, even slower for Keith. He felt like trash, his head spun and his vision was blurry. The back of his throat was dry, tight and sore but felt stuck. He was nearly hacking up a lung in the night, which kept shiro up all hours of the overcast hours.

Shiro set his hand to Keith’s forehead, a sigh passing his lips as he got out of bed. “Why don’t we get you into a warm bath, with a nice cup of tea.” Keith hummed at the thought, slowly easing himself up to a sitting position. “Easy okay.” Two hands pressed to Keith’s shoulders, making the other hum again. Tracing his fingertips up along the inside of Shiro’s right forearm. “Would you join me in the bath?” He asked, this innocent and stuffy tone in his voice. Shiro nearly laughed at the attempt to be flirty. Next, he’d sneeze in the middle of a comment, but even with the thought, Shiro nodded. “Of course, Kitten.”

Keith leaned his head against the moist tile of the wall, next to nearly burning hot water rolling down his back, soaking his hair and causing his bangs to fall over his eyes. What did he care, he needed some kind of feeling. The pain was all he could feel anymore.

He’d been in the shower going on half an hour by now, but it was only him. There was enough hot water, and it wasn’t like he actually had to be somewhere. Leaning his head up, his eyes closed. Letting the water hit his face.

Russ was playing over the speakers, ‘pull the trigger’ filling the air. Keith had his back to shiro as he let his body sync with the steady, constant beat and lyrics. “Swish your hips like that again.” Shiro nearly purred, his voice dripping with honey from the sweetness laced with his words. Tracing his hand up along Keith’s side as the other stood in front of him. Shiro sitting on the couch, this cocky smile lifting over his lips. “What like this~” Keith flicked those violet eyes over his shoulder at Shiro. His hips swayed, slowly going lower till he was knelt down. Back arched, running his hand up along his leg as he rose himself back up. Shiro leaned himself back, feeling the heat rise in his face as Keith danced like this. “What’s gotten into you?” He asked, sitting forward while resting his arms on his knees. “I just felt like dancing.”

With those words, Shiro stood up. This grin pulling at his lips as he tugged Keith back against him. The raven-haired male just flashed this innocent smirk at Shiro. His back pressing against his chest. He moved his hand to sit on Shiro’s shoulder as again he went down, he was moving like an incubus. “You’re just a tease today.” He hummed, not being able to hide the blush over his cheeks and ears. “And oh you’re enjoying it.” Keith purred, leaning his head back so their gazes met.

Those violet eyes slowly blinked opened, blankly staring up at the head of the shower. Bored eyes watching every droplet of water splash out of the small slits. This heavy sigh leaving his lips, he managing to think back to Shiro without breaking down in tears. Even though he felt so broken on the inside. As if someone took his heart straight out of his chest and hid it away with his Shiro. At this point, he felt nothing, empty.

The Tv mindlessly played in the background as Keith sat on the couch. His breath smelled like smoke and cheap whiskey. Eyes filled with a boredom, a longing as he sat there. This was his routine, he’d sit on the couch for hours and not do anything. Now and then he’d get up to refill his glass or sit in the backyard and smoke.

Hunk hadn’t come over in a while again, to Keith that was for the best. Half the time he was drunk now and hunk hated seeing Keith drunk.

Shiro,

So I’m back to smoking... I know we tried so hard to get me to quit but it fills this hole in my chest that’s been there lately. I can’t feel anything, But on the plus side to that; I’m not crying anymore. I don’t know if that’s better or worse given the fact I honestly can’t feel anything. Both physically and emotionally. I even pushed the end of my cigarette to my forearm, nothing. Should I be worried? Should I tell Hunk?

Oh, I should tell you, your jacket doesn’t smell like you anymore. Hunk warned me that that more I held onto it, the faster it would lose your smell. I didn’t listen to him.. I should have but you know how bull headed I can get over stuff like that. And hey, I’m showering again.. I’m still not really eating but that’s just cause I still have no appetite.

I’ve been drinking a lot though, I threw up yesterday. Not sure if it was alcohol poisoning or just being hung over...

I’m thinking maybe getting a cat... I know I brought this up a bit before but, I think it might help fill the spot? I can’t replace you let alone with a cat. But it would be something that would depend on me like how you used to. They’d need me..like how you used to. I think I need that in my life.

Keith

“Whatcha drawing?” Shiro hummed, tossing his hands over Keith’s shoulders. Keith made a grumble as he sketched away. “You.” He hummed leaning his head back. Shiro felt his face turn pink with flattery, “Me?” The words sputtered out of Shiro’s lips. Keith laughed, tossing his gaze back up to shiro, leaning up to press a quick kiss to his lips. “Yes, you, who else?”

Shiro honestly loved when Keith would draw him, from memory, picture and even sometimes from a pose. He knew he was Keith’s muse and frankly, it was great. There were sketchbooks full of just Shiro, in all kinds of different poses. Some he actually posed for and others were just Keith being bored and sketching his boyfriend cooking or getting dressed.

Keith sat at his desk, his violet eyes staring down at his own handwriting. Everything seemed to remind him back to Shiro, it killed him. Sitting at his desk, showering, going to bed, even getting something out of the fridge. It made his heart ache and that was at least some kind of feeling. Pain. Better than nothing right?

The doorbell rang. Keith jolted out of his chair, being ripped out of his thoughts from the sudden noise, his heart pounding in his chest. Slowly The other calmed himself down and eased out to the living room. Cautiously walking to the door, he flicked the small hole in the door open to look through and see who was there. “Who the hell- No way.” He threw the door open and even before the man on the other side could talk Keith threw a punch. The man stumbled back almost losing his balance, his glasses falling from his face and hitting the hard ground of the porch. “What the hell are /you/ doing here!” Keith shouted, his tongue like acid. This fire burning in his eyes.

“Well if you would have let me talk first before you rudely punched me.” Keith knew those golden eyes, that fluffy light brunette hair. Oh, he couldn’t unclench his fist, his jaw just as tight. “Matt, I’m Matt Holt.” He picked up his glasses and scrambled up to his feet. As he cleaned off his glasses he shook his head. “I was roommates with Kashi in the sector.” He explained. Keith nearly blew up in rage. “Ka-Kashi?” He asked through his teeth. Hell no. Oh. Hell. No. This, this… boy wouldn’t come walking right into Shiro’s life and manage to take him away. No. No, This man got to see Shiro for the last time, he got to say goodbye, unlike Keith. Matt flinched, “Shiro!” He corrected in such a quick and hurried voice.

Before Keith realized it he threw another punch, landing square on Matt’s jaw, tossing him off his feet.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some of the questions Matt asked were about Keith even, where he was from, how long he’d known Shiro. All kinds of things. They sat there and talked for hours on end, hours. Not once did Keith cry either. Not once. Maybe he finally actually moving on?

Their bodies moved as if they were one like they knew what the other was going to do even before they did it. As if they were made to be like this. Pressed together, moving like they were stronger together. They were this unspoken conversation, each other’s fears and hopes all wrapped up into one. Keith stood there, watching. Watching with tears in those violet eyes as his boyfriend, lover, best friend moved so in sync with this other man. His body shook, lip quivered and heart ached. Their song was playing.

The soft beat of the guitar, gentle voice singing to fill the air. As if thousands of candles had been lit around them. I fell in love next to you, Burning fires in this room.

Everything felt all too romantic, soft, warm. This was /their/ song! Shiro should be dancing with Keith not… not him. It just fits, Light and smooth. Keith could have sworn he saw Shiro smile down at this man. His heart pounded in his chest. Like my feet in my shoes. Little one, lie with me. Shiro gently put his hand on the other’s cheek, he leaning down till their noses brushed together. Sew your heart to my sleeve. We’ll stay quiet underneath shooting stars. They kissed. They actually kissed, the other was smiling so warmly, he nearly giggling as Shiro would pepper him with small butterfly kisses. If it helps you sleep.

Why.. Wasn’t he enough for Shiro? Keith could move like that with him, he had moved like that with him. But there Shiro was chest to chest with this nerd. Hold me tight. Don’t let me breathe. Nose to nose with this nerd. The way his hair stuck up on the ends made Keith grimace, those glasses far too big for his face and those stupid freckles. Shiro loved freckles... Keith choked on his breath. No.. Feeling like you won’t believe

Keith had zoned out into some kind of daydream, day nightmare, staring at the ice pack in his hands. Sniffling back the thought, having to rub his eyes to avoid the tears that threatened to spill out. Only feet away was that man, that man from that terrible dream. He didn’t know what it all meant, Keith would swear up and down that he’d never seen this man before in his life.

Matt sat awkwardly on the couch, holding his jaw as it swelled up some from the second punch that day from Keith. Speaking of Keith, he walked over, holding out a bag of ice, not daring to wipe the sneer off of his lips. Matt mumbled a thank you to the other as he took the ice and held it to his sore jaw. “Look-” He started and Keith cut him off. “No, Listen, I don’t want to know what Shiro was to you.” He stood before Matt, that fire in his eyes again.

“Nothing happened!” Matt rose his voice to Keith, “I don’t know what you think happened, but it was nothing.” He took his glasses off to rub his eyes. “He’s a great guy, A good friend and an even better soldier and pilot.” He explained, pushing those lenses back up his nose before those molten gold eyes met Keith’s violet ones.

Slowly Keith sat down, letting Matt go on. “We shared a room in the sector, it wasn’t much. Tears were shed and we talked about our families and such.” Matt rubbed the back of his neck, “He talked about you. Said if anything happened to him.. To check up on you.” He smiled slightly and shifted to get something out of his pocket. Keith’s nerves tensed up at the words. God, he felt like an idiot. “He wanted me to give this to you.” The other perked with that, “Give what to me?” He asked right as Matt held out this small envelope.

Keith stared at the letter in his hands, This.. this was Shiro’s handwriting. He put a hand over his mouth as tears began to well in those violet eyes and he hadn’t even opened the letter up yet. Fumbling, like his fingers weren’t listening to his brain, it took him longer to open the letter that he’d like to admit.

Keith,

Okay, I hate this. It’s awful here. God, I wish you were with me. I miss you so much. I need someone next to me, and I miss how you would snore in your sleep! I swear I can’t sleep without it now. So I haven’t slept.

Yesterday I don’t even know what we ate, it was some kind of green goo??? It didn’t really have much of a flavor and all but the texture made me want to puke. I could have made something far better, or hunk… oh man, hunk could have made something wonderful out of this - food? Can I even call it food?

We just finished training a few hours ago, it’s why I’m writing now. We’re being sent out in a few days. Really, I’m terrified. Who knows what’s going to be there in the sector... A man came back from it, he didn’t look well. Yeah, that sure was reassuring... But what can I do?

Oh! I met someone here, His name is Matt. He’s my roommate up in the sector’s base, and guess what? He’s watched all of X-Files too!! So we’ve been all too pumped with making jokes at night when we can’t sleep. Which has been a lot like I said? I miss having you against me at night, I’m cold without my kitten pressed against me. Honestly, though, all jokes aside, if it weren’t for him and the thought of you I wouldn’t be able to make it through this. But I’ll come home to you I promise you.

Please take care of yourself,

Shiro

Tears were falling down his face, these large raindrop tears rolling down his cheeks. A tiny whimper left his lips and oddly enough. Keith felt at peace. Like this was some way of Shiro finally responding to all those letters and it made his heartache. Sure he’d never see Shiro again like he promised, but these were some of his last words. He finally got to say goodbye to him.

Suddenly Keith was hugging Matt in close to his chest, those sobs falling from his lips as his smile, weak as it was; it lifted on his features. “Thank you, thank you so much..” His voice was broken, sputtering and cracking but he managed his words.

Matt wasn’t sure about what was going on, he, however, didn’t push Keith away, but he didn’t really return the hug either? “He talked about you a lot.” He murmured to him, making Keith’s breath hitch. “I’m really sorry about punching you-” He suddenly blurted, feeling a tang of embarrassment. “Oh, no-no! It’s fine..” Matt pulled himself away, averting his gaze. “Shiro’s a touchy subject I know, and here I show up calling him Kashi” He chuckled to the best that he could. Trying to lighten the mood.

So the two sat and shared their memories of Shiro, Keith opened up some to tell Matt all about him. The little things, and answer all the questions that Matt had about the other. Things like “How’d you two meet?” Keith loved that memory.

The sun shined bright that day, but it was nothing compared to how this man feet away from Keith smiled. Keith had been managed to be dragged out to the local park by Hunk. Saying something about how it was so nice outside, and they should spend some time in the sun. Hunk had ditched Keith for some dog he’d seen but currently was being distracted by the owner of the said dog and her brother.

Keith had brought his sketchbook, he pulling his knees up and sitting the pad on his knees. Letting those violet eyes scan over the park. He drew out a few trees, even the little bird that chirped at him only feet away. That was till he saw /him/.

He swore there must be some kind of mistake, this man was godly. The light caught him so perfectly, it must have been timed by some otherworldly figure. “Who are you?” He hummed biting the end of his pencil as he watched this man run. He seemed to be out with someone, the two throwing around a ball. Keith ended up staring but he could care less, those chiseled and sculpted body was truly something to marvel at. Oh, he felt hot at the sight. Hmm, those thighs, and oh that ass!

Hunk tapped to Keith’s shoulder, making him jolt out of his thoughts. “Buddy you’re checking that guy out.” Keith pursed his lips and pouted. “I am not, I’m simply /admiring/ the scenery” His tone was far too playful for his words. Biting on the end of his pencil again, Hunk chuckled.

The longer that this god of a man was there, the more Keith found himself sketching him. It felt so right, every line and shade came out next to nearly as perfect as the man he was drawing. Those violet eyes got caught up in the sketch, adding finishing touches and everything when he felt another hand on his shoulder. This time he didn’t jump. “Hunk before you say it, he’s godly, I couldn’t resist.” A laugh resounded, but not from Keith and it surely wasn’t Hunk. Keith gulped and looked back at the man behind him. “Godly hu?” He smiled brightly. Keith’s soul left his body, staring at the man with agape lips. “I uh-” He couldn’t find words to explain. “I’m Shirogane, everyone calls me Shiro.” He introduced. “You want to get a coffee sometime?”

Some of the questions Matt asked were about Keith even, where he was from, how long he’d known Shiro. All kinds of things. They sat there and talked for hours on end, hours. Not once did Keith cry either. Not once. Maybe he finally actually moving on?


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith made a grumbling sound but followed after the doctor as he began off through a big metal door to lead him through to room three. The hall was littered with pictures of different animals, mostly from needing to come in whether for shots or something worse. But Keith only watched the white, photo covered wall for a moment till he attention was pulled down to the floor from the sound of squeaking because of McClain’s perfectly white sneakers. “Would it kill you to pick up your feet while you walked? The shuffling it obnoxious.” Keith nearly snapped as the noise was ringing in his ears. “Hm? Oh, I hadn’t even noticed.” The doctor seemed to laugh, to actually laugh at Keith.

The winter air was cold that day. Of course, Keith didn’t know how cold the air really was, oh no, he just knew how hard the wind was blowing against the windows and walls. The man was currently staring up at the ceiling. His mind racing with thoughts. Racing with the thoughts of Shiro.

Slowly he pushed himself up in the sheets, getting out of the warmth and safety of his blankets to stumble to the closest. Taking off his shirt and tossing it aside in the process. Dragging the door open and pulling out a shirt. It was a light peachy colored sweater, no pattern, but the material was soft to the touch. Even though it was such a lightweight sweater, it wasn’t too hot to wear.

He held the sweater to his face, breathing in the smell. This weak smile pulling on his lips as he slipped the shirt over his smaller figure. It was obviously Shiro’s shirt. Keith hugged himself in the material for a moment, fighting back the want to cry. To fall to his knees and cry. “Why…” He whined out, “Why you..”

Metal cubes clinked together, the glass between his fingers swished the light honey colored whiskey. Those violets, or now more grey violet eyes got lost in the way the drink swirled. Thinking back to how it looked like the same color of Matt’s eyes. Shiro must have loved them, seeing eyes that beautiful for his last few days. His heart ached to have been in that spot, either him instead of Shiro or instead of Matt.

“I couldn’t even say goodbye…” He told himself, dropping the glass cup to the hard counter with a thud. He must have dropped it with a bit more force than he had meant since the glass shattered upon contact with the dark counter. The light colored whiskey spilled around in the mess of glass shards. He didn’t bother do anything about it, just put his elbows on the glass covered counter while lacing his fingers into his untamed hair. He gripped on those ebony locks. Tugging roughly on his hair as tears welled in his eyes. But not a sound would leave his lips, it was so quiet around him, but so loud in his head.

The rain fell hard outside, the constant pitter and patter of the droplets to the glass and roof was the only sound filling the house. That was still there was a faint sound of scratching at the door. Keith groaned, ignoring the noise at first till the scratching turned into a pitiful meow. This caught his attention. Hesitantly getting up from the stool at the breakfast bar to trudge over to the front door. He opened the door to be blasted with the cold air from outside, rain pattering down in front of him. Before he even realized it, this small thing buzzed into the house. Keith stood there looking around till a groan left his lips, nearly slamming the door shut behind him.

As he spun on his heels, he was met with a quivering kitten hiding under the counter stool. He froze up at the sight, part of him related to this poor kitten. Lost, scared, nowhere to go or turn to, lost in this storm called life... So, of course, he wouldn’t throw the thing back outside. The kitten was a little tabby, dark orange stripes over a reddish colored fur and a white spot around its mouth. “Hey..” He slowly made his way to the small thing. The kitten backed up more and more till it scrambled up and jumped onto the stool. In an attempt to get further away from Keith the kitten got up onto the counter.

Keith tensed, he trying to pick up his pace all while not scaring the kitten more. His attempts failed as the kitten backed up and let out a loud yowl. His heart pounded in the chest. Since he hadn’t cleaned up the glass on the counter the poor kitten had walked right into the mess and stepped into the mix of whiskey and glass.

As the kitten limped the best it could from the mess, leaving blood and dragging the whiskey with it, Keith grabbed the wet cat from the counter. There was resistance of course but he managed to wrap the little cat up in a sweater and hurry to grab his keys and shoes.

“Please fill out these forms.” A man behind the counter spoke in a bland British accent, as he held over a clipboard. He flicking his eyes to the soaked Keith and down to the kitten and the now bloodstained Shirt in his arms. A heavy sigh passing the man’s lips as he stood and brushed his silver hair back. “I’ll get Doctor McClain.”

Keith sputtered under his breath as the man walked off, Looking over the paperwork and down to the little whimpering kitten in his hold. His heart ached as those big green eyes stared helplessly at him. Huffing he picked up a pen to start and scribble down information on the paper. Thankfully, as soon as he had set the pen down the silver-haired man came back with another behind him.

And into Keith’s life waltzed Lance McClain.

Right before him was a man which he presumed was Doctor McClain. The doctor was a bit taller than he, Keith could just tell he’d be one of those people that used his height as an advantage to tease those shorter than him. This doctor was clad in a blue sweater, tan dress pants, and a long white coat. Keith seemed to get distracted as he shamelessly looked at the lanky doctor. Long legs, thin and lean, the skin was a creamy sun-kissed to perfection color and those locks such a milky mocha shade of brown. Not to mention the fact his eyes were such a sharp blue color. They looked like sapphires, the bright color seemed so out of place but fit all at the same time? Hell, he was rather attractive.

The man cleared his throat to catch Keith’s attention, a playful grin pulled at his lips as he did so. This obviously from catching Keith staring at him. Those dark greyish purple orbs met those sharp blue eyes. “Come on, I’ll see you in room three.” The doctor spoke in a fluffy tone of voice.

Keith made a grumbling sound but followed after the doctor as he began off through a big metal door to lead him through to room three. The hall was littered with pictures of different animals, mostly from needing to come in whether for shots or something worse. But Keith only watched the white, photo covered wall for a moment till he attention was pulled down to the floor from the sound of squeaking because of McClain’s perfectly white sneakers. “Would it kill you to pick up your feet while you walked? The shuffling it obnoxious.” Keith nearly snapped as the noise was ringing in his ears. “Hm? Oh, I hadn’t even noticed.” The doctor seemed to laugh, to actually laugh at Keith.

Holding the door open the doctor motioned Keith into the room, “So what’s wrong with this honey bunch here?” He hummed too perky like. Keith wanted to gag, it was too early for this. “It’s not even my cat, It showed up at my doorstep and when I let it in. It stepped in some glass.” Keith explained as he sat the now mostly calmed down kitten on the counter. Unwrapping the stained sweater from around it.

McClain obviously knew just what to do, He started to take down his notes on the kitten, picking it up to check the gender and then to sit her down on the scale to check her weight. “Well, this little angel is about maybe six weeks old? A solid three pounds.” He smiled brightly, having to hold the kitten in place to check her temperature. “No fever either.”

So the doctor went on to do his job, he cleaned up the cut, got the glass out and everything. It was a long process and Keith had to leave the room. He patiently waited outside in the open sitting area.

Around him was a few different people, one woman was talking with the man behind the counter. Keith couldn’t see her face but she was tall and from what he could tell she was intimidatingly buff. The women beside him was smaller, she had dark blue hair that was pulled back to the side and what he assumed was her girlfriend or wife sat beside her. Beside the dark blue haired women was one thin, dressed in annoyingly bright colors. The whole time he sat she was talking and hadn’t stopped doing so. On the plus side, her voice wasn’t as annoying as how she dressed. Her hair was dyed a pinky-orange color and pulled back into a high and tight ponytail.

“The name’s Ezor since you’re staring.” The women leaned forward to catch the purple/grey eyes that had been lingering over her. Keith blinked rapidly for a moment, he felt a bit of heat dust over his face. “Oh sorry.” He averting his gaze away to drop the topic. The women giggled some at his reaction and went back to talking to the women beside Keith. Who didn’t seem to talk much?

“Mr. Kogane.” A voice chimed out from across the room, Keith silently thanked Shiro for saving him from this awkward moment. He pushed himself up from the hard plastic chair to walk to the doctor only feet away from him. McClain handed the small Kitten to Keith, “Be careful of her paw, I’ve prescribed a bit of pain medication for her. Once a day by mouth.” He explained to Keith which he just nodded as he was lead to the counter back to the silver-haired man and to the woman that was currently still there. McClain said something to the man, Keith didn’t catch it since he was too busy gently petting the small cat in his arms. He mentally decided to start calling the kitten Red.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I don’t get to spend the rest of my life with him.” Hunk was very confused now, “Keith -” The pieces clicked as the name slipped out, “Keith.” Oh god, Hunk didn’t even know Keith had planned on. Then again, it started to make more sense to him. Taking a few hesitant steps towards the wild and unstable Keith, he soon engulfed Keith in his arms. “Hey, man look… We both miss shiro.” Hunk started to speak but Keith had long since given up all fight. He went weak in his arms, gripping with little strength on his shirt. “I’ve just been thinking, why don’t we get you back out there? It’s what Shiro would have wanted.”

“Hey, Keith?” Shiro asked, he shifting slightly to look up at Keith through his eyelashes. Currently laying on his stomach across the couch, his feet pressed up on the armrest. With his arms around Keith’s middle and head rested on the other’s lap, Shiro was rather comfortably laying, while Keith was enjoying to be playing on his Vita.

Without even looking down he scoffed. “We aren’t getting a cat hon.” a semi-loud groan left Shiro’s lips, he flipping over to lay on his back. Keith’s legs went from crossed to on either side of his boyfriend. “Oh come on, imagine how cute a cat would be!” Shiro protested his case, which still wasn’t catching Keith’s attention. “Nope, we aren’t doing it.” Another whine resounded out of shiro, he puffing his cheeks and reached up to tap the touchpad on the back of the Vita. Keith gasped, “You made me die!” He groaned loudly dropping the handheld gaming device making it drop on Shiro’s nose.

Shiro sat up quickly, the Vita falling into his lap as he held his nose. “Rude.” He pouted some, his back to Keith from how he was laying. Keith hummed innocently, wiggling closer and pressing a few kisses to the back of Shiro’s shoulders. “We still aren’t getting a cat.”

“Damn” Keith grumbled as he sat on the floor of the living room. He knelt down before the small kitten that had been laying on the same black sweater for the past two days. Red, the kitten was grooming her back leg, seems to be very cautious of her wounded paw that was healing rather nicely. “I told him I wasn’t going to get a cat and here you are.” He groaned, he still hadn’t managed to go down to the store to get anything he needed to actually raise a cat.

Red was living off milk and the canned chicken he had in the cabinet. Thankfully Hunk hadn’t come over, he knew he’d get yelled at. Oh, man Hunk was amazing but when he was determined, no one should stand in his way. Though Keith admired his friend, he really didn’t want to be lectured right then about buying cat litter.

Shiro,

I can’t remember if I said I wouldn’t write to you anymore or not, but here I am… writing to you? Yeah I know, it’s stupid and sorry now since like - you really won’t get my letters. But I guess, This is how I can still feel connected to you? Plus I feel like an idiot when I talk aloud to you. I just really needed to talk to you, very few of your shirts actually still smell like you and hell.

Ugh, I finally feel like I may be getting over you? But- just sitting at home I get these flashbacks to you, little moments too that wouldn’t seem memorable? Maybe I should finally go and talk to someone about it… but I rather just talk to you.

So uh… there’s a cat now. I know, I know I told you we wouldn’t get one even though you always really wanted a cat. Wait - That cat… that’s not you is it? Holy shit wait no?? I’m sorry! Please don’t why would you come back to me? If you could go to anyone in the world, why me? I’m awful…

I need your saving this time shiro...

-Keith-

“Hey buddy I’m coming over with dinner.”

The message read from ‘Hunkerson’’. Keith broke a half asleep, drunken smile at the message before he shot up. Greyish eyes were wide while he stared at the blue message in front of him on the screen. “Oh shit-” About to dive off the couch, he froze. On his leg was a small purring pile of red fur. A loud groan left him as he threw a hand onto his face. “U GH” The tone resounded, but alas, the kitten didn’t move.

“When did you even get up here?” Keith muttered under his breath, he talking to himself. “Oh great Keith, look at you now you’re /talking/ to a cat. You’re actually talking to. A. Cat.” He couldn’t even believe himself right then and there. Of course, his thoughts were stirred away when there was a knock on the door. Hunk. “You have a key!” His words slurred together into one as the door was pushed open. “Have you been drinking again—” Hunks voice trailed off almost instantly as his eyes fell to the small cat laying on Keith’s thigh. “You got a cat and didn’t tell me!” He gasped out, rushing over to put the large brown bag onto the table. Right beside the box that hadn’t been touched.

“No shit.” Keith spat, he falling back onto the couch, hitting his head back against the armrest. “I didn’t /get/ a cat either, the stupid thing showed up on my doorstep.” Hunk had knelt down by Keith's leg and scooped the small kitten up in his hands. “I can hold it in my one hand!” He laughed, plopping back onto the ground and nuzzling the kitten to his face.

Keith was up to his feet almost as soon as Red was off of his leg, he quickly makes his way to the other side of the coffee table. Not without a few shameful stumbles as he did so. “It’s a she by the way..” He pointed out, crossing his legs as he went down to sit on the floor. Hesitantly he picked up the box from a few days ago and sat it aside only to pull out a few small containers from within the brown bag.

“Does she have a name?” Hunk asked, he shifting a bit to look over his shoulder. Red had nuzzled her way onto Hunk’s shoulder and was rather enjoying to be batting at his dark hair. “Yeah red.” Keith was rummaging in the bag as he said so. He tossed the now empty bag to the side shortly after and lulled his head some. The food smelled amazing, oh he hadn’t actually eaten a good meal in days. Mostly Keith was just living off… well… canned chicken and milk. It was all he had since it wasn’t like he was going to get up and actually go buy groceries.

“Red hu?” Hunk hummed delightedly with the little kitten as she batted amusingly at his locks of hair. “Shiro would love her.” The words fell from his lips so carelessly, that was till he caught was he said. Eyes went wide when the fell on the tense Keith across from them.

Keith gripped tightly on the pair of chopsticks in his hand, greyish eyes now glossy as this painfully weak smile pulled on his lips. “Yeah… he would have.” The heartache could almost be heard in his voice, it was very easily seen in his gaze. He tried to brush it off the best he could, but the hurt was still there. “Hey, buddy, why don’t we go shop for what this little lady needs after dinner?” Hunk offered, his smile was warm and inviting. Keith gave a weak nod in return, “Sure... I need to get out of the house anyway…”

 

“Okay but /why/?” Keith tossed his arms in the arm, his eyebrows furrowed in a puzzled manner. “Because she needs a box for the litter to go inside.” Hunk explained for what felt like the fifth time in the pet department. “Can’t she just go, in the litter?” Keith asked, he crossing his arms and shifting his weight from one side to another. “I don’t see why I need to waste more money on the box when the litter opens up like that.” He could nearly hear Hunk rolling his eyes. “Oh my god Keith, we’re getting the box.” He huffed tossing the blue cat box into the cart.

Keith groaned some, tossing his hands in his pockets, “So what else do I have to have for this cat.” He shot a look at the little fluff ball that was grooming in the kiddy seat of the cart. “Well, we have the litter, a box, and some canned food with a bowl. Unless you want a cat tree or some toys.” Now it was Hunks turn to hear Keith rolling his eyes, “Can’t you just make a cat tree? It would be way cooler anyways.”

Hunk boasted at the compliment, it was good to know his handy work handy work hadn’t gone to waste. He sure knew Shay loved it all but hell, she loved everything Hunk did. “I probably could- It would be way more steady than some of these too.” He laughed heartfeltly as he put a hand on one of the made cat trees before them and rocked it. “This would fall apart in maybe half a year?”

Keith snickered at his friend as he went off about the cat trees, they chatted more about it through the aisles while they made their way to the checkout. They had been maybe halfway there when Red decided to jump out of the cart and go nyooming off.

Keith and Hunk froze up before Keith bolted after the small blur of red fur. He ending up sliding through the store having slipped. There went Keith on his stomach, at least in the process of slipping he caught the kitten. Panting to catch his breath, Keith slid right into a display for some bread which knocked loafs of bread everywhere. He sat up, wide-eyed while red doubled in size from the bread falling around them. He only then busting out into this uncontrollable laughter.

Hunk watched the whole thing happen, trying to stifle his own snickering but it was so hard when he saw his friend slip and go face first into the bread display. But hey, Keith was laughing? It must have been one of the first times he’s seen him actually laughing since they lost Shiro.

 

“Have you taken any thought to like…” Hunk glanced away from the box he was setting up to Keith. “To what?” He answered, Gaze never leaving the small can of wet cat food. Keith was leaned on his side to the counter, the clean and empty cat bowl at his side and Red very impatiently sat in front of it. Hunk was filling the blue litter box with litter. “To, I don’t know, To dating?” Hunk paused with uneasiness as he awaited Keith’s answer. To his surprise he simply got a small sigh, watching as Keith went to pet Red. “I have actually..” He admitted. “It’s just, I bring it up ‘cause.” Hunk stood, brushing off the bits of fallen litter, “It’s been months since we lost Shiro.”

That right there must have triggered something as Keith had tensed, “We?” He shot a look at Hunk, “You don’t get to say /We/ lost Shiro.” He spat out, disbelief in his eyes. Hunk was mildly confused. “What do you mean… he was my friend-” Keith cut him off, “No, no.” He nearly slammed the cat food down. In doing so he scared Red making her scramble off of the counter and to hid on the little stool. “You didn’t lose him the way I did. I have to wake up every day knowing He’s not beside me, to know he won’t walk through that door anymore. I don’t get to hear his nagging to get the mail or to do the dishes.” He clenched his fist up, “I don’t get to hear his voice in the morning, to kiss him… to listen to him want a cat or protest the staying of that stupid bowl!” Tears welled up in Keith’s eyes, He choking on his words.

Hunk had fallen silent, he didn’t know what he should or could say? Instead, he simply let Keith get this out of his system. Since it seemed like he had been holding back this for a while now. And that’s when Keith started back up. 

“I don’t get to spend the rest of my life with him.” Hunk was very confused now, “Keith -” The pieces clicked as the name slipped out, “Keith.” Oh god, Hunk didn’t even know Keith had planned on. Then again, it started to make more sense to him. Taking a few hesitant steps towards the wild and unstable Keith, he soon engulfed Keith in his arms. “Hey, man look… We both miss shiro.” Hunk started to speak but Keith had long since given up all fight. He went weak in his arms, gripping with little strength on his shirt. “I’ve just been thinking, why don’t we get you back out there? It’s what Shiro would have wanted.”

This was all too much for Keith, talking about Shiro this much in one day? It was too much for him… He couldn’t handle it even though he thought he could. He should be able to talk about him without breaking down. In an attempt to hopefully take his mind off things, to hopefully make things easier; he nodded.

It’s what Shiro would have wanted.


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Keith cocked up an eyebrow, squatting down to pick up what looked like flower petals from off the floor. “What the shit..” he murmured to himself, thumbing over the soft petals. Odd, didn’t people normally use red rose petals. Looking closer he chuckled, “Where did he find bluebonnets.” Dropping the few small petals on the floor he followed the path that lined the length of the hallway. To one side they went to the bathroom, the other the bedroom.

“I guess since I might as well clean myself up..” Keith murmured, for once it wasn’t to himself as the little kitten sat at his side on the counter. He currently stood in the bathroom, leaned forward and pressed against the marble, nearly nose to nose with the mirror. Drinking in the sight before him. The dark bags under his eyes had the dull greys of his eyes showing more. Recalling the time when they used to be so purple, now how dim they seemed. He let a small sigh pass his lips, running thin fingers through dark, untamed, greasy locks.

Red chirped a small meow as she slid down into the sink and curled up onto the silver stopper. This caught his attention, and as much as he wanted to continue to pick apart his disheveled self, the kitten was much more interesting. Propping his elbow down on the counter he ruffled her little ears. “Guess you aren’t so bad hu.” A little smile tugged at the corners of his lips as those big kitten eyes looked up at him.

There was the thought that she came into his life for a reason, but then again, he didn’t want to think about that reason. He was fine.

With Hunk off planning some blind date, he might as well start to fix himself. Though the ‘date’ could have been anytime from tomorrow to next week, he should. Since... Keith had sort of gotten out of the habit of personal hygiene.

It wasn’t his fault, okay no it was completely his fault. It was drinking that had him all messed up. Whiskey in the morning, bourbon in the afternoon and those fancy, expensive wines that Shiro liked later at night. It was more than he was used to drinking. Even a small part of him hoped he would spontaneously combust from the smoking and drinking, but it never happened. So instead, he was forced into an odd cycle of lack of sleep, a never-ending drunk haze, and terrible hangovers when he bothered to actually get some sleep.

He would never admit that he had a problem though, no matter how many bottles Hunk took away from him.

So there he stood, knelt down at the side of the bathtub. Turning the water on to the red and with bored eyes he watched as the water started as a trickle till it picked up into a small cascade of whites and clears. Keith leaned into the palm of his hand, the sight was hypnotic in a way, oddly calming even.

He reached out to run his hand under the water, feeling the heat and pressure hit and roll off his palm to the sides. Keith stayed like this for a few moments, just lost in the feeling and sound. Something snapped him out of it to put the stopper in the tub so the water would begin to fill up. It had been too long since he last took a bath, right then it seemed like a good idea. The steam might help relax him some. Stress relieving and convenient.

It took minutes for the water to fill up, in this time he had made himself a tea. Actually a bit proud as he brewed the cup, inhaling the deep scents of fruit. Though parts of his mind told him to just turn and pour a glass of something to ease the pain, others told him he had to learn to grow stronger. He would have to get over this, even if it hurt. And hurt it did.

These thoughts haunted in as he stared down at the light orange tea, trudging steps into the bathroom. The tub was mostly full now, he sat on the side to turn the water off. His mug sat on the edge beside him only to then sit alone as he pushed himself up to strip off the clothes he’d been wearing for a week or so off.

The bath water felt like another set of skin when he eased into, sinking down low into the heat and steam. Letting it overtake him, engulf him till that was all. His eyes screwed shut and mind went blank. Nothing but water, the dead silence, and heat.

“Class was a bitch, Shiro.” Keith groaned loudly, throwing the front door open to find that the man he had spoken to wasn’t even there. He huffed out, kicking the door shut and tossing his bag down against the side of the couch. Drawing pencils spilled out and one of many sketchbooks slid out some but he could care less. “Shiro where the hell…” He trailed off, shoulders slumped from how long his day had been. But upon entering the hallway, he perked some.

Keith cocked up an eyebrow, squatting down to pick up what looked like flower petals from off the floor. “What the shit..” he murmured to himself, thumbing over the soft petals. Odd, didn’t people normally use red rose petals. Looking closer he chuckled, “Where did he find bluebonnets.” Dropping the few small petals on the floor he followed the path that lined the length of the hallway. To one side they went to the bathroom, the other the bedroom.

His eyes rolled to the side, pushing open the bedroom door to find petals everywhere, all along the bed and floor. Candles littered everywhere but none were lit. On the bed with all the petals was a large red robe and a small note card.

A tad curious, he lifted the sleeve of the robe up first, it felt plush soft in his hand. “So what do you have to say..” He mumbled while picking up the small card to flip it open. And in that big bold handwriting it said:

Keith,

Thank god you went here first and not the bathroom. Slip into the robe, it’ll be worth it trust me! I’m not actually home right now, by the way, I had to run into work for the last minute meeting but I’ll be back in about an hour.

Oh, what’d you think of the flowers? Texas state flower right - or is it the yellow rose, I don’t know. Was it cheesy? Should I have just done the red rose petals? Nevermind, just enjoy, please!

-Shiro-

This big grin was pulled on Keith’s lips, Shiro was such a dork. Oh, but he loved it. Tossing the card down, he shrugged off his jacket. Doing as the little card had said and pulled the robe on. Wherever Shiro found this must have been heaven. It felt so warm and soft against his skin. Hell, he felt safe in the robe.

As he rubbed his hands along the sides of the sleeves he finally turned on his heels. “So what’s in the bathroom.” If this was what shiro had in the room, what on earth could be in the bathroom? Of course, upon opening the door, his question was answered. Shiro, with a dorky grin as he leaned on the counter. Wrapped up in a robe of his own. Candles were actually lit along the side of the tub, causing flames to make shadows dance along the tiles and there, of course, was more flower petals. Bubbles nearly spilled out of the tub, and glasses of what had to have been champagne sat at Shiro’s side. “How long have you been in here?” Keith teased, Shiro grumbled. “I started the bath a few minutes before you got home, so not long.” He answered, picking up one glass to offer it to Keith. “So what’s the occasion?” He asked, gladly accepting the bubbly drink. “What I can’t pamper my boyfriend a little?” A few kisses were exchanged, “How’d the meeting go?”

Keith choked a little, His eyes snapped open. Taking a gasp for air but he was still under water. Throwing himself up, coughing out the water from his lungs. Guess he got a bit lost in thought there for a moment. How long had he been under water..? Like he really cared - it was… kind of nice to remember a time when Shiro smiled so brightly and did such dorky things like that.

Was he ready to start something new? Maybe he should call Hunk and tell him he wasn’t ready for anything more. A new friend might be nice but a relationship? It was still too soon- Shiro may want him to move on, but not this fast right. That didn’t matter, this was his own pace and it was too fast. Shiro was a love of his life, /the/ love of his life.. Could he really throw that all away?


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The two exchanged a good laugh for a moment, it eased Keith’s emotions. Maybe he really was ready for this. He gave Hunk one last reassuring ‘I’ll be fine’ before he got out of the car. With a small wave, Hunk pulled out of the space and headed off. Keith got into the building fine, going up to the man behind the counter. Keith thought he looked like a pretty nice guy, an older man with his hair flicking back almost like ears. He might be good in case something did go wrong. “Uh, I’m here for a blind date?” Keith sounded really awkward, he fiddled with his sleeves in the process. “Oh? Right, this way.” The man was rather monotone.

“Hey will you go with me to get my shot”  
Keith sighed softly as he rubbed his face a little, he was trying to keep himself together. For the most part, it was doing well, but it still hurt. Hunk would probably tell him that it was completely normal to feel this way, that he was just making his way around the stages of grief. But, he didn’t want to be on any stage, this was his pain.

“Uh what shot?”  
A message chimed up on the screen. Keith took this deep breath, he had to explain.

“A little less than monthly I have to get testosterone shots. Shiro normally took me, and Hunk is busy today.”  
Keith silently hoped his message made sense, maybe it didn’t? He sat himself down, feeling his lower backache and his head spin. What if Matt didn’t care. That wouldn’t be the case, he told himself to just stop thinking about it. He was better than this.

“I don’t want to go alone.”  
After the second message appeared on the screen, Keith took in a few shaky breaths. The little bubble on the other side of the screen showed up, with those annoying little dots bouncing. Matt was typing. Why did it feel like he was taking forever to respond? Did he keep trying to reword his question or answer?

“Of course I’ll take you. Uh, but why do you need testosterone shots?”  
Keith’s stomach dropped as the message showed up. On the one hand, Matt had actually replied to him, but on the other… he asked why. The man leaned back on the couch, staring up at the roof trying to think of if he should explain or just try to dodge the topic. Normally he wasn’t too secretive about it but he wasn’t the most open on it either.

“I don’t like the body I was born with. It’s not who I am.”  
He started to type that out, he really did word for word but he ended up deleting every word of it. Groaning he tossed his phone down. “Why can’t you just tell him you’re a trans guy! Hunk knows, Shiro knew.” Keith paused with his own words, he crossed his legs for a moment and hummed. “Oh, shiro surely knew.” With a shake of his head he had to regroup himself, now was not the time to think of such things. Eventually, he managed to type out:

“I’m a trans guy.”  
Keith hit send faster than he could rethink the message. And once more time seemed to take forever. Only a few moments had passed but to Keith, it felt like ages. Every Time that little message bubble would show up and vanish he would silently curse to himself. Maybe he should have just rescheduled to another day so hunk could take him. As Keith has lost himself in his own thoughts when the chime of his phone had him jumping. Matt responded.

“Yeah sure, man. Need me to pick you up or what?”  
He breathed a sigh of relief with this, Matt could care less. Of course, he figured this from the beginning but you know, who cared right?  
Keith pushed himself up from the couch, a faint smile on his lips as Red bounded over and rubbed up against his legs. “Hey, girl.” He chuckled softly, kneeling down to scoop the kitten up into his hold, “I’ll be back in a little while” He told the kitten who had snuggled into his palms and bite down onto his thumb. Teething. With a roll of his eyes, the man walked along to get himself a bit ready. Holding the kitten close before he plopped her down on the bed sheets.  
It took Keith only a few minutes to get himself dressed, for some reason leaving the house with someone else actually felt nice? He hadn’t been out since Hunk took him cat supplies shopping. Then again, Hunk didn’t really count, he was a close friend and had to.  
He shook his head, checking his phone as he waited for some sort of message from Matt. It was odd how close they had actually gotten. The other night while he was in the bath he messaged Matt. They must have talked for hours together, both message and over the phone. Mostly about Shiro but on anything and everything. They talked about Matt’s sister and his family, his work and education. Keith told him about his own work and though he knew little about his mom he still shared. Something about Matt was familiar, he was easy to talk to and Keith liked that. As he thought there was a loud honk from outside the home.

“So where exactly am I going?” Matt asked as Keith got into the car while buckling himself up Matt tapped his fingers along the steering wheel. “Doctor Haggar, She works over at the Vets office.” He explained to the other. Matt had to pause and think about where he was going, “The vet’s office as in the one that cute McClain works at?” Keith shot him a look of disgust, “Yes that one.” He grumbled which had Matt beaming.  
Matt stayed with Keith through the whole appointment, which he was grateful for. He told Matt about how Shiro used to take him to every appointment and was really supportive about everything. Matt seemed to understand pretty quickly, he asked a few questions and everything. He was generally good to Keith and it had him feeling like he wasn’t so alone anymore. “I can take you to your next one if you want,” Matt spoke as they pulled back up to the small house. Keith rubbed at his arm, it stung some but he’d be okay. “Hu? Oh, I’d like that.” He broke a little smile which Matt returned one brighter than the sun. What the hell? Keith couldn’t believe someone could be so perky. “Or you know, maybe we could go out and get something to eat sometime..?” Matt offered, averting his gaze a little. This caught Keith off guard, “What?” Did Matt just… Ask him out?  
Keith was quick to unbuckle himself and stumble out of the car. The door didn’t want to open which had him fumbling to get it unlocked. It swung open after a moment of strain, He scrambled out and to his feet. “I’ll uh-” He choked and shut the door, “I’ll call you-” And with that Keith hurried into the house. Almost dropping the keys to the door. HIs heart was pounding in his chest and his mind was racing. He wasn’t ready for that. No.. He just wanted a friend, someone to go to when he needed it.

“Hey, buddy!”  
Keith was currently facing first into the pillows and sheets of his bed. Breathing in the dying smell of shiro was from the pillow that laid beside his own. His phone had chimed but he really didn’t feel like checking who was trying to message him right then. “Why couldn’t Matt have just been a friend?” he grumbled to himself, “That’s all I really need right now.” Keith didn’t even know who he was talking to right then, was he talking to Shiro or to Red.. maybe just himself.  
Again, Keith felt his phone buzz. Unsure if it was another message or just the reminder that he had a message he groaned and pulled the phone out from under the pillow. Propping up onto his elbows he read over the short text, from hunk. Guess it felt a bit relieving to know it was Hunk texting him and not Matt. But at the same time, was Matt not curious why he acted that way? Did Keith /want/ Matt to be curious.

None of this made any sense.

Keith decided to just call Hunk as he didn’t feel like texting much anymore today. Hearing a friendly voice would bring him up some. Maybe? Hell Keith at this point wasn’t even sure he could feel truly happy again. He knew he would have to eventually but when would that be? Really he just wanted his Shiro back but that wasn’t going to happen anytime soon, was it.  
The phone rang, once… twice… three times… it was about to ring once more when it picked up. “Keith? Odd you’re calling.” Hunk’s voice was loud and clear from the other end. “Yeah, just didn’t want to text.” His reply was curt. Hunk seemed to hear the disconnect but he didn’t push onto the matter. “I guess that means you aren’t up for that blind date tonight then, hu?” Keith sat up with that, this funny look on his face. “Blind date?” There was a loud laugh from the other end of the phone, Keith didn’t get what was so funny? “You don’t remember do you!” Hunk cackled out, sounding breathless as he did so. The laughing soon died down into a long wheezing till it was nothing but slight pants of heavy breaths. “Hooboy, Keith, my man.”  
Keith was so confused the whole time Hunk was explaining, and that’s when it hit him. “Fuck I really did agree to that didn’t I.” He groaned some and fell back into the sheets of the bed. Hunk chuckled a little, “I can reschedule if you aren’t feeling up for it. I know you had your appointment today. How’d that go by the way.” Keith made a noise as his reply. “Matt took me.” Though his words were so rushed that Hunk didn’t even catch what he had said. “Who, what now..?” Keith grumbled softly to the confused man on the phone, “Matt. Took. Me.” He stated very clearly. It was then Keith’s turn to explain what had been going on with him and Matt, Hunk seemed to get it pretty quickly.  
“You sure you want to do this?” Hunk asked as the front door had pulled open. He would be the one to drop Keith off as to keep it a surprise. Keith looked emo as ever, he hadn’t changed much from when he had gone out earlier. Inside he just fixed his hair and put on a neater shirt. It was a first date and Hunk said to be causal, that’s exactly what he was doing. “I’m sure. It doesn’t have to be anything serious, it’s a first date.” He shrugged as he stepped out. Tossing a hand into his pocket while the other pulled the door shut. Hunk stepped out of the way, “Well alright..” He didn’t sound 100% certain about this, but it would be good for Keith. Maybe, in the end, he would get a good friend out of this.   
It was an awkward ride, Hunk was humming along to whatever overplayed song was on the radio the whole time. Keith sat dead silent, hands in his lap as he sat with his feet up on the dash. “You know Shay hates when you do that right.” Hunk brought up as they slowed to a red light. “Well is Shay with us right now? No. She might as well be on another planet, I never see her.” His tone was bland, obviously a bit snippy. Hunk dropped the topic for the rest of the ride.  
As the song playing came to an end, Hunk had pulled into a parking spot. With the car still running he turned to Keith; a serious look in his eyes. “Alright, please, just have fun.” He tried. Keith broke the best smile he could, even if it did come off as sarcastic. “Yeah yeah, mom, I will.” Hunk pouted with that remark, “Be careful too. I know this guy personally but.. He can be a bit over the top at first. Please, give him a shot.” Hunk shifted uncomfortably with the thought of something going wrong. Keith gasped and shot a hand to his chest, “Do I look like someone who would throw away their shot?”  
The two exchanged a good laugh for a moment, it eased Keith’s emotions. Maybe he really was ready for this. He gave Hunk one last reassuring ‘I’ll be fine’ before he got out of the car. With a small wave, Hunk pulled out of the space and headed off. Keith got into the building fine, going up to the man behind the counter. Keith thought he looked like a pretty nice guy, an older man with his hair flicking back almost like ears. He might be good in case something did go wrong. “Uh, I’m here for a blind date?” Keith sounded really awkward, he fiddled with his sleeves in the process. “Oh? Right, this way.” The man was rather monotone.  
This walk felt slower every second that ticked by. Each step he got further and further from the door, each step he felt hotter and hotter and more nervous. Each step he got further and further from home. Each step he got further from his old life with shiro.  
“Here you are.” The man without a name broke a little grin as he extended an arm motioning to the table where another sat. There in the booth was a man with creamy mocha skin and the bluest of eyes. His hair was messy but that kind of messy that was obviously on purpose. Probably uses some kind of product in it. Keith hated hair product. It didn’t dawn on him who this man was till he was seated and couldn’t escape. “Hey, I’m Lance.” He grinned brightly. Keith’s heart dropped to his stomach, “Like McClain?” He asked leaning back casually in the booth to make it seem like he wasn’t as anxious as he was. “Uh yeah- oh wait! You’re Keith aren’t you.” Lance laughed loudly, too loudly for Keith’s taste. “Yeah.. we met at the Vet’s office the other day.”

Oh, this would be a great night.


	12. Chapter 12

For Keith, this night was just getting better and better. Yes, that was more than a little sarcastic. No, Keith didn't say it out loud but he sure as hell thought it. He had no want or desire to continue this conversation or date at all because this Lance was the most full of himself guy he'd met in years. All Lance could talk about was himself, how great he was and his work. Sure Keith wanted to know the guy since he was supposed to be putting himself out there, but really? Lance was losing his chances faster and faster with every mention of himself. This was like one of those dating sims, and Lance was choosing every wrong answer he possibly could. Who did this guy even think he was?

Keith sunk into his chair some feeling the cool plastic material through his shirt, letting Lances voice fade out as he blanky looked over the plastic menu that had seen better days. His eyes dull and bored as they scanned over the dishes, everything here could have been found at any place. Which meant nothing stood out to him, nothing sounded good. Well besides going home and laying in bed for hours until he would have to roll out of bed because of Hunk at the door. But that would have been far better than this.

"Are you even listening to me?" Lance asked as he leaned back into his seat, arms crossing over his thin torso. Keith flicked his eyes over Lance, watching his movements. He didn't try to hide it nor was he trying to respond quickly. This upset Lance, at least it looked like it upset him as Lance scoffed and glanced away. Keith merely rolled his eyes. "Sorry, was just waiting for you to start talking again" There was a jab in his voice as once more Keith went back to the menu in his hands. Lance wrinkled his nose up, "Excuse me?" there was a dead silence as Lance's offense hung between them. "Don't 'Excuse me' me. You've been talking about yourself for the past twenty minutes." Keith's voice was bland, he didn't even flick his gaze up to look at Lance. He could already tell what kind of look was across that stuck up face of his.

"Well maybe if you were listening you'd bring something up. You know, cause that's how a conversation works." Lance leaned forward to prop his elbows on the table that sat between them. Keith momentarily pauses, he'd forgotten how to talk to people. He was never good at talking to people, to begin with, but that wasn't the point. Shiro had made him comfortable, they could talk about anything and everything under the sun. Normal people couldn't do that, strangers couldn't do that. It was too personal. Keith knew Lance wouldn't know the looks, he wouldn't get the hints or understand what he was trying to say without saying it like how Shiro used to be able to.

Keith knew he shouldn't be comparing people to Shiro. Everyone was different and Keith was refusing to accept that. He wanted Shiro back, he wanted someone /like/ Shiro. But in Keith's mind, there was no one out there like his Shiro. No one could compare to him... No one could be as kind and compassionate as Shiro. No one would be into the same dorky shit that Shiro was, they wouldn't be able to go from musical references to talking about their exercise routine. Shiro was a little bit of everything and Keith couldn't have loved that more. No one would be nearly as bashful or have the same stories and feelings... and reactions?

Lance waved his hand before Keith's face, "Earth to Keith? Hello? Ground control to Major Keith?" He sounded annoyed with every wave before Keith's face and once Keith noticed he swatted Lance's hand away. "Get that out of my face." He huffed and averted his gaze away. "I need a drink."

There again was a bit of a scoff from Lance, Keith narrowed his dull eyes as he shot a look to him. A look of slight disgust and peeved, "What?" a bite in his tone, as he waved his hand up to try and get the attention of a waiter or waitress, he didn't care who. He just needed something to drink, to relax his nerves. "Nothing." Lance lied, glancing into the menu before him as if he'd been thinking of what to eat. Keith knew this had been the first time tonight that Lance had even looked at the menu, unlike Keith who could probably retell everything on each page. Right as Keith got the attention of a waiter and they started to walk over Lance sat his menu down. He took a deep breath and met gazes with Keith's, "Alright, what the heck I gotta do to get with you?" Lance whined softly. 

 

Keith busted out laughing this loud and bright laugh only to then between his laughter to hum, "Who do I have to do be for to be with me". Lance was completely taken aback by that reaction. Not only had Keith laughed but he got that reference. Lance leaned on to his elbows, "Alright, so will you drop this heather act now? Or do I have to get up and start singing?"

Keith tossed his hands into the arm some to motion Lance to not, a little shake of his head as that little smile over his lips started to fade again once more to leave the simple expressionless face. However, something wasn't as cold. There was a feeling to him now, it was a softer expression. Keith didn't seem as closed off, maybe he'd give this Lance a chance after all.

Lance picked his first right choice this whole game so far and it had Keith wanted to see where this would go.

It took a while for their food and drinks to get there. But there wasn't a single moment since that was awkward. Sure they started to butt heads again every now and then, mostly whenever Lance would start to go off again about himself and Keith would roll his eyes and fake a gag. It was all playful though, each time ending in slight laughs and shy smiles.

Lance was warming up, Keith wasn't opening up but for the first time in a while, he was actually having some fun. There wasn't this pain in his heart or ache in his chest. Keith didn't feel like his world was crashing around him, he for once felt like he could be happy. Maybe, maybe he could be happy. He wasn't even sure that he could have that anymore as if there was something in the universe that was keeping him away from that. Like something inside him was broken. But when his eyes met Lances deep ocean blue ones and he'd see that twinkle in them, a twinkle just like Shiro's, he felt happiness in reach.


	13. Chapter 13

"Goodnight honey" whispered a voice was so sweet and soft, a voice that once rang in his ears every night. Blankets were pulled over him, the voice didn't bless the air with its sweetness again, but instead, the owner of the said voice was managing to get out of day clothes and into the bed. There was a bit of rustling from the clothes being pulled off. Shoes made a slight clunk to the floor at the foot of the bed, next belt clinked and tinked as it was taken off and then came the sound of the dress pants coming off. Keith shifted in the sheets, he wore a soft grin as if he couldn't hear but he was very much awake.

Keith sometimes struggled to sleep when shiro wasn't home, which ended up being a lot since shiro worked late more than once a week on a good week. He did get many days home and so forth but typically speaking he was home late or off to work really early. Tonight he was home and Keith could feel the fluttering in his heart. He felt warm, comfortable and finally relaxed knowing shiro was safe.

But was he safe..?

Keith jolted up in bed, the sheets were thrown all over the place except on him. Go figure. He grumbled, rubbing his eyes to remove any slight sleep. It didn't work but it sure helped to let his eyes open up and see the blinking past midnight on the clock. Keith let out a loud groan and fell back into the pillows. "What happened to you...?" he softly mumbled as he shut his eyes once more in an attempt to fall asleep. 

 

Is been about two months or so since Keith had started to see lance. It wasn't anything special nor anything really exclusive but they got along somewhat. The two of them couldn't seem to go a day without a little bit of a headbutt, however, they seemed to chalk it up to simply having different interests. It wasn't anything bad, and Keith hoped it wouldn't be anything to worry about in the future.

Sure lance was fun, he was energetic, out there and always wanted to go out doing something. That was far out of Keith's comfort zone and that's when they clashed heads. In Keith's mind it was a worry, maybe they wouldn't work out? People sometimes don't work from simply being too different, he understood that. But he wasn't sure if he was ready to date like this. Going off and on for months with people, trying to find someone.

Keith didn't /really/ want something too serious - after all, he just... started to get over what happened with Shiro. So sure he wasn't ready to jump into an almost marriage again, but maybe.. maybe just dating around wasn't his scene. Keith missed the days of little effort, the days where soft flirting and little teases were everything and when Inside jokes were enough to have each other wheezing on the floor. He missed being in a relationship, but a developed relationship.

He wasn't sure if he was ready to put the effort into forming a whole new relationship. Especially one with someone like Lance.

It had been maybe two months since they had started "dating". Even though Keith still wouldn't call it that. However, the two of them had gotten closer, they spent more time together. Like movie dates and Netflix nights. Keith tended to fall asleep to lance displeasure. In Keith's defense, he was used to watching movies with Shiro and waking up hours later. It was a perfect date to him, but not to Lance - since Lance obviously wanted a little more than just watching a movie. And Keith could very easily tell every time.

So there they were one late evening. Keith was in the kitchen attempting to cook. He was never the best at it, it was Hunk that was the chief in the family and Shiro wasn't too bad at it. Keith was not. But he was still trying, he and Lance kept ordering pizzas or going out to eat and it wasn't doing the best things to his body. He was feeling tired and even broke out some on his face, Keith wasn't too keen on the idea of actually having to cook but he disliked breakouts more. Cooking won this one.

As Keith gave his best attempt at cooking, Lance was playing on his phone as he sat at the dinner table. They talked and chatted a little but not much was said back and forth beside Keith's complaining.

"Ugh, why does this have to be so hard!"

"Are you still cooking over there"

"I have a knife in my hand and I'm not afraid to throw it at you, McClain"

The two of them shared a little bit of a laugh but there was a slight feeling in the air that had Lance laughing a tad harder. Keith shook his head letting the moment die slowly as he continued his attempt to cook. Chopping carrots was hard, each one ended up a different size and he hadn't even been close to chopping fast enough. He grumbled some, Keith didn't like not being good at something.

"Hey, Keith?" Lance asked from where he was sitting at the table, he had sat his phone down a few minutes ago to instead take up watching Keith struggle with cutting vegetables. "Uh yeah?" The dark haired male responded, glancing over his shoulder slightly to meet the gaze of Lances. "I think I love you."

There was a pause. A long, stale pause that let the air just hang around them for what started to feel like forever. Lance was growing nervous and Keith, well Keith wasn't sure what he was feeling.

Keith leaned forward, placing both hands flat on the counter before him. His mind went blank for a moment or two, with nothing running in his thoughts. Was this shock? Keith thought it was shock, as slowly his stomach started to churn and twist; he knew it was over.

"Go"

"But Keith"

"I said go!"

Keith hadn't turned around yet, he couldn't bring himself to face Lance. He couldn't imagine those deep blue eyes staring at him. He couldn't imagine those eyes, in love with him. How was that even possible? Keith didn't want something serious, he made that very clear to Lance. At least he thought he had made that clear.

"Keith is this is about what happened with your ex," Lance took a step forward and that was it. Keith turned around, still with the knife in his hand and just stared at him. "I told you I wasn't looking for anything serious right now, Lance" His voice was bitter and sharp. "But just imagine us together-" Lance tried, heartbreak was filling his eyes. the exact look that Keith had avoided wanting to see.

"No, I'm not ready and you have to respect that!" He shouted, losing grip on the kitchen knife as it slipped from his fingers and nearly stabbed his foot. Keith barely shifted or reacted to the knife. Lance, however, jumped back some, he was always super dramatic like that anyways. Keith turned around and leaned against the counter like he had before, he closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. In and out, in and out. He felt like his chest was collapsing in on itself. His heart was beating out of his chest and not in the good way.

"Keith," Lance tried, he reached out and placed his hand on Keith's shoulder. But Keith jerked away. "No, no, this wasn't supposed to get serious"

There again was that silence, hanging between them like a knife on a string. Keith felt his world falling in on himself. He couldn't move on this quickly, he couldn't /love/ again. He told himself that Shiro was his person, Shiro was his one and only and anyone else would simply be passing through. People would never be the one because he already had his one.

But then here's Lance, here's Lance telling Keith that he loves him when he knows damn well that's not okay.

"Keith, what happened that you can't move past?"

Silence.

"Keith, what happened with your ex that won't let you love again?"

There was hesitation. And there was again that awkward hanging silence that felt stalker than two-month-old bread. Keith turned and faced Lance, his gaze was grey and dull. His lips parted but no words came out. Nothing was said for a few minutes, Lance didn't try to force him at this point.

Keith had to seriously think about this, given the fact he hadn't told the story of Shiro to anyone he didn't think. He had talked to Matt about it, yes, but then again, Matt knew what had happened. Matt was there and he understood. Lance didn't understand, Lance couldn't understand.

"I was going to ask him to marry me" Keith started, unable to look Lance in the eye. "I was going to, and he got drafted." Keith leaned back till his was it pressed against the counter behind him, folding his arms over his chest he looked down. "He was killed in action." There was a pause, Keith's chest felt like it was tightening up more and more by the second and saying it out loud had his heart aching as if he was living the whole thing all over again.

"Keith," Lance reached out again to cup his cheek but Keith pushed his hand away. "I don't want your pity, and I don't want your love." Keith spoke bitterly, "I lost the love of my life and I didn't even get to bury him." Keith pushed Lance back some and began to walk away.

"Now please... can you go?" There was no fight left in his tone, none at all. Could you blame him? He opened a big part of himself up to Lance, and now he just wanted to go lay down. Keith had had enough social interaction for one day.

Lance left with that, he would fight or push Keith any further. There were no goodbyes or little kisses on the cheeks, just silence and shifted of pant legs.

Keith trudged into the bedroom, his legs felt like pure lead as he tried to walk. His heart ached to the point there was a real pain. He nearly doubled over into the bed. It was safe there, there was no judging eyes or rude words. Just blankets and pillows, and sometimes Red jumped up onto the bed to lay with him. Keith laid face down on the pillow that once smelled like Shiro but now smelled like him. He breathed in trying to remember that smell, trying to reimagine holding Shiro.

"I knew I wasn't ready... he knew I wasn't ready" Keith grumbled to himself as he flipped over and laid atop the covers and sheets. Red hopped up on the bed and bounced her way onto his chest. Though Keith felt the pain still her soft little paws seemed to make it a little easier. He gently rubbed her ears and stroked her back till he purred and curled up on his chest.

"At least you're comfortable.." he murmured closing his eyes and relaxing just enough from the sound and feeling of her purrs. "Thanks, Red.." Keith spoke softly, thinking he went to bed now that everything would be okay tomorrow. If he slept it away it would be like nothing had even happened.

Screw dinner, screw the meal he had planned and the night that was supposed to happen. Screw It all, screw Lance and his stupid affections. Screw Shiro for not being smart enough and getting himself killed. Screw hunk for thinking he was ready to go out and start dating again. And screw himself.

For thinking he could date again.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, Hi, Hello! I have so much fun working on this and truthfully I don't know how long it'll end up. I had 15 chapters planned out but it's looking more like around 17? I don't know! 
> 
> For any questions or suggestions, (or art I'm open) I'm on Tumblr @willsvldfics Don't be scared to message! I'd love to hear what y'all think or have to say! The feedback and love are more than welcomed


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